Can Uncertainty Be A Good Thing? (Kiyomi's Personal Awakened Share)

Also available on Apple iTunes

Hi, everyone, welcome to the Awaken into Love podcast, we are on episode number 23, and today I am here to do a personal podcast all by myself to talk to you about uncertainty and transitions and how you can use uncertainty in the times of transitions as a way to awaken in different ways within your life. What I love about these specific podcasts that I do, even though this is only the second podcast that I've done personally, is that this podcast will help you beyond ROCD. 

So if you're here because you're needing and wanting support from ROCD and relationship anxiety, then, hey, you're at the right place. But if you're also here because you just want to awaken in all parts of your life beyond just ROCD but in your friendships and your intimate life with your relationship, with yourself, with your career and just with life in general, where you feel more in tune and more awakened. Then truly this podcast is also for you.

Big announcement with Awaken into Love. As we start, Alexis the ROCD specialist and Awaken into Love therapist and coach had her baby a couple of days ago. So biggest congratulations to our beautiful, wonderful Alexis. So many of you work with her. Alexis has been on maternity leave within the last month or so and she will be on maternity leave for the next couple months. Thank you, everyone, for being patient as she is taking care of her baby. So we have both been going through so many different transitions. The last time I was here, I spoke really openly about my journey with Kai and everything that I was going through at the time and the grief that was arising and how being in contact with your own grief and your own emotions and the feelings underneath uncertainty can feel so vulnerable and so raw, but that they can offer you so much wisdom and so much insight in your life. 

Kai has passed since that previous podcast episode, and to be honest, it was a very transformative time in my life, even though it was really, really difficult it was also extremely, extremely powerful. And I felt as though there was so much wisdom that came through witnessing Kai during his transition. And I think that comes to show that even though life can feel so difficult and so challenging, that there are always, always lessons and gems behind the difficulty. 

In many ways, we can really shy away from the darkness and we can be so scared of it, especially when things feel so uncertain and feel so unclear. And we want that control. We want that certainty. But in reality, the darkness and the uncertainty can show us so much about our strength, our resilience and our actual evolution in this life. And I feel like Kai's passing really taught me so much about so. Thank you, Kai. Thank you for everything that you have given me and continue to give me in this life. 

So today I really want to talk about uncertainty because I feel like uncertainty is such a big topic in the realm of ROCD. Every single person who has ROCD typically struggles with uncertainty. Uncertainty feels really scary. It's the parts of our life that we can't see. It's the parts of our life that feel so dark, feel so pitch black, and when things feel scary and things feel uncertain and we don't know what's happening, people with ROCD and anxiety will typically go into the mind to be able to find some sort of control and to be able to find some sort of certainty. That's why obsessive thinking is so comfortable, because we know what's going on. In some way, we feel like we have some sort of control. When life feels scary, when life feels shaky, at least there's the obsessive thoughts and there's the anxiety that we know is so familiar and so certain. 

It's really interesting over time how much the brain just continues to just fascinate me. I feel like just doing this work and having been helping so many people with ROCD has really opened my mind more and more to my brain studying itself, which is such a fascinating concept. But the brain continues to fascinate me more and more and it continues to just humble me in ways where I really recognize more and more the innocence of the brain. When we come into this work and we come into experiencing ROCD, there are usually some periods where we just feel so defeated or we feel really confused with our brain. Why is my brain doing this? Why are these thoughts coming up? Why do I feel like my brain is against me? Why is it trying to sabotage my relationship? But when we start to understand the brain, we start to understand more and more that what the brain seeks is not happiness. Our brain doesn't truly seek happiness, what our brain seeks is safety and comfort, but that doesn't mean that that safety and comfort is good for you.

So in order to gain a sense of resilience or gain a sense of empowerment and actually get better, it is important for you to step into uncertainty that feels really scary for the brain because the brain that is so used to obsessive thinking and anxiety is terrified of going into uncertainty because it feels so unknown. So what's so fascinating about awakening and these concepts and about growth and about healing is that in order to step into the next phase and into our freedom, into experiencing the deep peace and love we long for, we must step into the parts of us, the parts of life that feel uncertain, scary, uncomfortable and sometimes wrong. 

So, again, the brain really seeks safety and comfort. I want to say that just one more time, because if this is a foreign concept to you, I just want to repeat this because it's such an important concept. Our brain seeks comfort and safety, but that doesn't mean that comfort and safety is good for us.

Now, if that's triggering and if anything I say today is triggering, I invite you to use all of this as exposure work because triggers are really our biggest opportunity to get into deeper freedom and healing, which is what I brought up before when I said that in order for you to find freedom, love, it's important for you to actually step into discomfort. So if there's any triggers that you experience along the process of listening to this podcast, great. I celebrate it. I welcome it. I welcome it because it means you're stepping out of that comfort that is safe into the unknown, into the unknown. Just have a little bit of a frozen thought. Frozen II was so good, by the way, if anyone has ever watched it before. Anyway, side note, it's really about stepping into the unknown because when we step into the unknown, we step into uncertainty. It allows us to grow. We start to trust ourselves. 

In AIR, a couple months ago, this one member asked us, they said, OK, so I understand that a big component to finding freedom from ROCD and having more self trust is to actually have doubt and uncertainty and not trust our self. Because it is in those moments of doubt is in those moments of uncertainty that we actually start to gain trust. It is in those moments of discomfort that we actually step in and say yes to being comfortable in discomfort. So what's so fascinating about all of this is uncertainty can be such a big gift for you. It truly is. Doesn't mean it's not uncomfortable, doesn't mean that obsessive thoughts may just hang out in the back and not poke at you and say different things. No, because it's going to. When you step into discomfort, when you step into uncertainty, when you step into things that are new, your brain is going to push you because it doesn't feel safe. It doesn't feel comfortable. It wants to stay in safety.

Now, again, I want to add something really important to this, because we're working with mental health and because we're working with our brain. There are many situations where just stepping into the uncertainty and just going directly into exposure work and diving into a lot of discomfort can sometimes be very traumatizing, especially if there's trauma there. So what's really important and a big basis of the work that we do is stepping into things that are uncomfortable. That puts you out of your comfort zone. But that feels safe enough to step in and feel secure. 

So what does that mean? It means that you're not going to necessarily just dove full force into the fire. We don't really work with that at Awaken into Love. Other methods do. But we like to titrate. Titrate basically means that we're just going to dip our toes in, take our toes out, our toes back in, toes out. Now, foot in now ankle and step out. Why? Because we're working with attachment styles and we're working with our nervous system. So when we are going into healing, especially if there's trauma, it's important for us to titrate. This goes for so many things in life, we don't have to just aggressively do stuff, we don't have to just dive into the fire and sometimes we might push ourselves to do so. That might feel adventurous or a little bit risky. And at times life does call for that. But when we're talking about exposure work and we're using people who've experienced trauma and exposure work, it's important to try to titrate and as always, be compassionate and kind to yourself throughout the process. 

Now, I was talking a little bit about my own life recently with uncertainty before I kind of dove into this realm of safety in the brain and how it's important for you to titrate. And I've been going through a lot of uncertainty lately. Kai was diagnosed with cancer and for many of you who are listening for the first time right now, Kai was my dog, my big companion, and just someone, some being that I had such a beautiful close relationship with. Kai was diagnosed with cancer in May. And what's so actually fascinating about Kai's story that I just kind of want to put out here, because I just love this beauty and fascination and magnificence of life, is that a couple of months before Kai passed, Joel and I were trying to figure out how we could possibly move to Puerto Rico and how we could possibly travel more because we felt as though we weren't growing where we were in Colorado. But the biggest hurdle for us was Kai. It was the biggest stopping point for us because Kai actually had a lot of separation anxiety and he wouldn't have been able to go on the plane. And what's so interesting is that in May, right when we got back from Puerto Rico, Kai was diagnosed with cancer and only in a couple of months he passed. There was a lot of uncertainty around the time he was going to pass, some that's thought maybe a couple of weeks, some that's thought, maybe a couple of days, a couple of months. He ended up living for at least a couple of months, which in my mind, of course, feels unbelievably short. But life works out in the way that it needs to, which is what I deeply, deeply believe, and he passed about a month before our lease ended in Colorado. And so what Joel and I decided to do was an honor for Kai, we decided to pack all of our things, put them all in a storage unit. And if you're curious about guys, our other dog, our dear, dear friend, is watching us right now for the time being. And we decided to just put everything we owned in the storage unit except for some of my valuable things, because transitions can be hard for me. I brought my important things. And we just laughed. So I'm currently in Philadelphia right now with my mom spending time with her. Joel is in Miami. He has some business events that he's going to. And both of us have decided to take this strange, uncertain leap of not knowing where we're going to be next, of not knowing where life is going to bring us. What the next step will be. And I've decided to see this as a really big lesson for me to surrender. And for me to feel safer in uncertainty. If ROCD and anxiety has taught me anything, it's to be more and more comfortable in this uncertainty of life. 

Now, the beautiful thing about life is we get to also play around and create it in ways that feel safer for us. So just because I'm in a lot of uncertainty doesn't mean that I'm just diving into full fledged uncertainty. I have the next couple of months of it planned. I'm thinking of different places to go. Joel and I have been really called to be in the tropics to live a more simple life. And I also have objects around me that make me feel grounded, but it doesn't mean that this isn't challenging for me. But I like to look at life and the circumstances of life as something that is constantly teaching me and pushing me to grow into. I like to look at different circumstances with curiosity, wondering what it's teaching me now. What it's there to push me into in the way of growth and expansion. But I also have a choice and sovereignty within all of it. 

So I feel like I'm really stepping into this place of uncertainty, and I know a lot of you are walking alongside me in this uncertainty, too. I know some of you are feeling just uncertain within the relationship OCD and anxiety. You know, some of you are feeling uncertain about your jobs and your career. I know some of you are feeling uncertain and different friendships and growing out of friendships. I know that some of you are feeling certain within your health, within your family, within your life, and some of you feel just uncertain with every day, with things and how they are every day. 

So I'm walking alongside you. We're all walking alongside you. The thing about life is that there is uncertainty. But that doesn't mean that it's bad. And what ROCD has pushed me to know and has taught me, is that, yes, life can feel so uncertain. And when we look deep into the future and we want that sort of control and we go into obsessive thinking, that can be such a beautiful bell to come back into the present moment and to live how we are living now. To be present with this life, to this body, with these feelings that come and go, with this aliveness, with whatever you're feeling. 

So the next phase of my life is really teaching me this sense of uncertainty. And I think we're all walking alongside of that together, no matter what it looks like. But what I've decided to look at and to lean a little bit deeper into my journey of uncertainty this year, is to start seeing uncertainty not as bad, although sometimes my body needs more grounding and I go into the tools that I use. And lean into things that are supportive for me.

But what if uncertainty was your way to have more adventure in your life? And hear me out. Because I know that uncertainty can feel super scary. But what if magic, adventure, play expansion and manifestation occurred in uncertainty. And what if it didn't need to feel so scary or be so scary? If your mind is using uncertainty as a way to say, oh, things feel uncertain, things that may happen may be bad, my invitation for you is to ask yourself what good can happen from uncertainty, what magic and love can happen from uncertainty and start to play with it, start to go into an adventure with it. 

There's one saying that really kind of changed my perspective when I had ROCD and it was around the cognitive distortion that many people with ROCD and anxiety go into. Around the thought, what if? What if bad things happen? What if I end up breaking up with my partner? What if my partner and I aren't meant to be really? What if I'm not supposed to be with this person? What if I'm settling all of these what ifs that are created in this illusionary future that is not even here? Only to be manifested within a moment right now. To just create a feeling of certainty. 

So I'm just going to say that again, because I stumbled a little bit. When we go into what if scenarios, they are based in a cognitive distortion, which means that these thoughts are distorted. Because what ifs are based in the future and the future doesn't really exist. 

So there was this one quote that I saw where this person went to the therapist and they said, what if all these bad things happen? What if what if? What if? And the therapist paused and said, well. What if everything good happened? What if everything that you're afraid of doesn't happen? What if everything that you are hoping for ends up happening? 

Again, our brain has this inclination to go into more of a negativity bias, which means that it thinks of things that are scary in order to protect itself because of safety. But what if we could push this distortion into a possibility? And instead of saying, what if I'm going to leave my partner, what if they're not right? What if we chose to take that specific sentence, what if. And played with it. And started to work with it in a way where we became more in charge of it. What if your future's so different from the suffering you've been experiencing? What if the things that you're scared of and afraid of never end up happening? What if this uncertainty in life isn't there to punish you or put you down? But is there for you to step into the magic, mystery and adventure of life. What if these thoughts aren't there to punish you? But more so they're to show you where you are blocked. What if these stories and beliefs that keep coming up, are there as a little but painful mindfulness bell. Trying to get your attention to say, hey, this isn't based in truth, and there's something more. What if you're taking charge of your life right now by just listening to this podcast and by being here, you're creating a whole new expansive future for you and your partner. 

What if... What if we can start to see uncertainty, is not something bad. Even though it can feel scary, even though it can feel uncomfortable, it doesn't mean that it's bad. Discomfort and feelings of fear just means that you're stepping out of your comfort zone into a place of possibilities and of magic. What if we could use these moments of uncertainty to work for us instead of against us?

And what if it was in those moments of uncertainty, those moments of discomfort, those moments of fear that were really teaching us how to be OK not only within ourselves, but within this life, within our partnership and within the deepest, most expansive, most powerful energy and creation in this world, love.