5 Things You Need To Know If You're Young and Have ROCD
(With Joel in Japan 2010: I must have been 19 or 20 and he would have been 17 or 18)
As many of you know, I turned 30 on Sunday.
I started dating my husband, Joel, when I was only 17 years old.
My Relationship OCD first hit when I was about 18, 19 or 20 years old (blurry memory for it now that it has been 10+ years), but I know that I was young.
I navigated through the challenges of being in a serious, intimate relationship while being young. I also navigated having ROCD while being young, so when I received “I have ROCD and I’m young!” questions from our Instagram community, I felt as though I was speaking and answering back to that young, confused, terrified, me, who had no idea what Relationship OCD was — or how to even navigate a relationship.
After having turned 30 and now been with Joel for many years, the topic of being young and having Relationship OCD resonates with me.
10 years later. I got you — I understand now.
As a teen who held back her emotions and fears from others, who escaped in her room to hide her feelings and was afraid to “burden anyone,” who constantly put a smile on her face and told everyone “I’m good! Let’s not focus on me. Are YOU okay?” when she really was not good — that she secretly craved attention and to not focus so much on others (yet she did this to cope, so she wouldn’t have to feel her own pain — fixing others was easier than healing herself)... a teen who struggled with obsessive and panic-inducing thoughts about her exes, a teen who felt alone, who felt trapped, who struggled in college surrounded by others, a teen who struggled with navigating norms in a relationship and dealt with obsessive, anxious, compulsive thoughts and sensations… a teen who was scared of real love….
I get it.
What you’re experiencing and feeling is hard. Sometimes, it can feel more challenging because you may feel as though others may not agree with you or may give you insight that you don’t want to hear.
As I speak to you now, I want you to know that it’s okay that others may not agree with you, it’s okay to go off the beaten path and on your own journey while others stick to one path. It’s okay to be different.
In this blog post, I am going to be speaking to you about 5 important ways you can use your youth while having Relationship OCD to awaken — not only in your relationship but within yourself (something I desperately needed to hear when I was your age).
Here we go.
Running around in Tokyo amongst the crowds. I must have been 19 or 20 here.
1. People will tell you that they know better than you.
Awakening Experience: You learn to trust in yourself — Be your own leader and parent
The young brain is one that is still growing. At this early stage in life, you’re just starting to find your footing in this world. You’re trying to figure out our values, who you are, how to behave, and how to navigate your environment. Listening to other people (especially those that are older) can be a natural instinct in order to grasp onto any information that gives you a sense of identity. This can be harmful for many reasons. For one, people will project how they feel about their life on to you because they will always think they know better. Our society is full of unsolicited advice. This is not to say we shouldn’t listen or get support, but people are great at telling you they know better, so they can avoid the fear of letting you decide for yourself. Listen to what resonates with you. This allows you to separate your own stories from others and regain awareness of your own calling and intuition. A practice that we frequently do at Awaken Into Love is ask, “Whose Story Is That?” Where did this belief come from? It can be hard to trust ourselves when young, and trusting in oneself can feel even scarier when we were never taught how to confront and manage our emotions or to have power and control over our decisions in life. It may be the first time you’re doing this, and the power lies in simply starting to trust yourself.
A side note on this one is that it can sometimes feel challenging because we may fear judgment, we may fear exclusion if we do not follow what others say. We may have fears and feelings that “if it doesn’t work out” then they will be right — which disempowers us. This can especially be true if we hear this from parents, siblings or even close friends. When it comes from parents, for example, it’s easier to project their insecurities and fear onto you without doing their own awakening work. Remember: It’s okay to disagree and still have a loving relationship, and at the end of the day, we invite you to use this experience to awaken you into trusting and leaning on yourself instead of the opinions of others. Their judgments will be based on their own projections and stories.
How this will awaken you: Learning to trust yourself is one of the most useful tools in life. Once we become our own leaders and parents, we learn how to lessen the grips of anxiety, fear and even depression. Learning to trust ourselves gives us empowerment and confidence that will keep us pushing through the storms of this life.
2. People around you will be doing something you’re not a part of: FOMO
Awakening Experience: You learn the art of gratitude and of “being enough”
This is especially common and popular as social media continues to run rampant. We compare ourselves and our experiences and feel as though we are missing out on something. FOMO is real, and no, there’s nothing wrong with you if you feel as though you are missing out. These feelings, however, can be exasperated with feelings of emptiness, envy, and abandonment — all combined to make us feel as though we are “doing something wrong,” are socially excluded, or are abandoned (this also sends an alarm to our basic needs system). You might feel as though you are missing out, and your FOMO kicks in because you see others doing things that you aren’t doing. Kristen Fuller expressed that we instead focus on JOMO (Joy of Missing Out). By practicing mindfulness and presence in our everyday relationships, we can become empowered by the time we spend with what we currently have, and we can dive deeper into relationships and intimacy not only with our partner but also ourselves.
How this will awaken you: FOMO can help us bring attention to our own “enough-ness” to practice gratitude and mindfulness. In a society that is so focused on the next “best” or the next “hit,” it can help us to instead, come inward and enjoy the fruits of being alive and of our choices. This process can help us diminish harmful comparisons. It can strengthen the boundaries of parenting ourselves. Too much social media? Too much asking others about their life and feeling jealousy? How can we create our own boundaries by limiting social media and creating contentment within our own life?
Stick to now. Focus on now.
Obsessively asking the deer if my ROCD is real or not, haha, and taking this deer as a possible sign.
3. Adopting the wolf mentality over the sheep mentality can be uncomfortable
Awakening Experience: Create your own path: “Two roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” Robert Frost
This is the idea that because everyone else is doing it, I “should” do it too. The truth is that being in intimate, long-term relationships will be the minority in our society. The percentage will be small, and if you’re in college and you’re in a relationship, especially a long-term one, you will be a part of the minority even more so. Why? Because meeting many people, sleeping around, and not committing is a big part of our societal culture right now. It doesn’t mean that is how it should be — it just means that people go off of what others do in our society. Hundreds of years ago, it was more popular to be in a relationship and get married by 12, and this was the “sheep mentality.” Again, that’s not to say this is how it should be, but it was the norm. In the present day, you may feel outcasted or different from your peers if you’re in a relationship while others sleep around or otherwise remain uncommitted and focused on other things. To feel like a wolf in the midst of sheep will not always feel comfortable.
How this will awaken you: By not automatically doing what others do, you can mindfully pave your own path. Just because others do something does not mean it’s good for them. You can begin to question the world around you and make your own decisions. Questioning our reality and our society is one of the greatest things we can do, and this lesson can help you awaken into a deeper examination of what is going on around you.
Projection: This lesson can unintentionally create the belief that one choice or path is better than the other. But, there is nothing wrong with doing things that others do. An important lesson here is to not become bitter with or look down on others who may be on a different path and instead honor their different journey.
Looking at the window probably thinking: “Wow! I don’t experience ROCD when I travel. It’s probably because i’m distracted” Haha.
4. Society will always project
Awakening Experience: Reality is up to you
Back in the day, reality meant getting married young and even working young. This was societally acceptable, and marriage was strictly meant for financial and tax reasons. No one back in the day got married for love, and getting married young, having children and even grandchildren young, was considered “normal” and “acceptable.” Heck, being single and not having children at a young age was seen as weird, wrong, and unacceptable. To be young and single was “abnormal” and looked down upon. Many people would have talks influenced by societal norms, just as they do now.
Which went along the lines of:
Past: You should not date around. You are being sloppy. You stick to ONE person the rest of your life.
Now: You need to date around. Why are you staying with one person? Don’t you want to experience more?
Past: Since you’re older, this relationship won’t last. You need to have a strong foundation from youth.
Now: Since you’re young, this relationship won’t last.
Past: You must settle now. Your first partner is the most important, and you give them all your love.
Now: Don’t settle for your first partner. You need to be with other people.
Past: You’re too young to know. You need to marry now.
Now: You’re too young to know. You need to marry later.
Past: This is the best you get. You make it work and focus on the marriage and relationship.
Now: There’s so much more out there. Keep exploring!
Past: 20’s are for children, and your late 20’s are for grandchildren.
Now: 20’s are for fun! Don’t have a baby or get married!
Past: You’ll never find a person after 20.
Now: You’ll never be able to stay with this person until after high school or college! And if you do, you might have serious issues or your relationship might fall apart, since you weren’t able to experience other people.
Past: Your relationship will fall apart because you’re old and didn’t start early. You didn’t build anything!
Now: Your relationship will fall apart because you’re young!
All of these statements, whether spoken about in the past versus now, are well-intended (and based on complete projection and inner insecurities — Oy, especially the never statements, woof, but that’s beside the point). But… at the end of the day, these statements disempower individuals from creating their own voices and reality.
How this will awaken you: Our reality is constantly changing, and so is our society. What is deemed “acceptable” and the “reality of life” constantly changes according to what’s popular, what’s trending and what’s deemed as “acceptable.” So at the end of the day, you get to decide your reality. No one decides it for you except yourself. This means there’s no “set way of doing things right” — it’s what you decide is right for you and how you work with it.
Probably self-conscious about what my friends think of Joel and what all that could mean (yaddaaa yadddda)
5. The fear of commitment, engulfment and the idea of forever are difficult to stomach
Awakening Experience: Focus on NOW & Presence
For many, the idea of commitment, engulfment and the idea of forever can feel scary. Even for people who are older and have more life experience, the word “forever” can curl toes and make people’s stomachs drop. It’s true, the idea of forever can feel terrifying. And as a person who never knows what to eat for dinner, has her husband list 20 food options and then says “I don’t know” — the idea of forever still does terrify me. Why? I haven’t gotten to the root of this. Maybe fears of engulfment or maybe the idea makes me feel trapped, but whatever it is, the word “forever” doesn’t sit well with me. And that’s okay because I’ve worked with it, and I realized that I don’t need to be committed nor okay with the word “forever,” I’ll just work on my relationship with it.
With ROCD, we like to say this: If you had a choice of choosing your partner today, would you? Work with that. Whatever you choose, bring gratitude to your decision.
How this will awaken you: It will sure as hell bring you into the true art of practicing mindfulness and presence, which is Where Life Exists! The important thing to note about forever, especially when we’re young, is to let go of the word. Let go of needing to know next year, in 10 years, in 100 years. I’m not saying you won’t be with your love forever (I am not saying that at all) but that the most important idea isn’t forever but the beautiful, yet challenging, practice of now. And I know, the brain likes to go into hyperdrive and say, “Well, does that mean I won’t be with my love forever? Going into the Now is scary! How will I have any control?” (Obsessive thinking and anxiety to seek control) Yes, it IS scary, but presence and the focus on today and now is the place of awakening and deep love. If you’re stuck on the idea of forever, and you’re young, then I invite you to practice mindfulness and focus on today, for this moment. For this time. As I say to all clients, we aren’t even guaranteed tomorrow (none of us are), why not focus on the love and person we have in front of ourselves?