What If I Cheat On My Partner?
Before we start, I want to invite you to pause and take a moment to answer this question. I am going to throw out a couple of sentences. Make sure to read them carefully.
Have you heard any of the following statements before in your life?
”If you find someone else attractive, then your partner isn’t ‘The One’.”
”If you are attracted to another person, then it means you’re not with the right person.”
”If you love your partner and they’re right for you, then you wouldn’t fall in love with anyone else.”
”You fall in love with one person and that’s it. If you love someone else, then be with them.”
”Once you fall in love with someone, you can’t help yourself and you lose control.”
If you’ve heard of any of these stories or words before, ask yourself where you’ve heard it.
Really. Pause. Take your time.
Where did you hear these statements before?
Most likely, you’ve heard or seen these somewhere from society or media. Maybe you picked it up while watching The Notebook, How to Lose a Guy in 50 Days, US Weekly, TMZ, on the radio… friends… from your parents, ancestral trauma… After all, we are a product of our environment.
But let me tell you this…
Those stories are not working for you, which is why you’re here.
These messages have seeped into our subconscious.
They’ve become our own stories.
They ARE our own stories and beliefs — until we awaken and question them:
“Where does this story come from?”
“Is this my story? Or am I just picking up something from what I’ve seen and thought was normal?”
“Do I really want to carry this story around anymore?”
Usually, we end up awakening to these questions when we feel a split within ourselves. Turmoil ensues because we are torn between conflicting ideas:
One idea says, “I love my partner and want to be with them,” and another idea that says “Well, if you love your partner the right way, then you shouldn’t find someone else attractive. Because if you do, you need to leave your partner,” or, “If you find someone else attractive, you might cheat and lose control and hurt your partner.”
Ouch.
These words can be harsh. And it makes sense as to how believing them to be the truth makes us feel disempowered.
Can you imagine how these conflicting thoughts can cause internal chaos of guilt and shame?
Can you imagine the internal torment as we find others attractive and feel as though attraction to others is wrong, or that we are bad for feeling it?
Can you imagine the suffering that comes up when one person feels so committed to their partner but has intrusive thoughts that say they might cheat on them? (Especially distressing if one has had a parent who has had an affair).
Unawakened Love
The split between two conflicting ideas can cause immense internal turmoil — until we decide to step further into opportunity and freedom and question what we’ve been told.
But, we need to start recognizing the patterns we get into, question our beliefs and separate them from our inherent whole selves.
We are not our thoughts. We are not our beliefs.
In the context of attraction and the fear of cheating with ROCD, here are a couple of common unawakened beliefs:
It’s wrong for me to think that others are attractive.
If I love my partner and if I am worthy of their love, then I shouldn’t find another person attractive or fantasize about another person.
I am responsible for my partner’s happiness. If I think others are attractive, then I’ll hurt my partner.
If I have a thought or find another person attractive or fall in love with them, then I’ll end up cheating.
I fear that I’ll lose control and cheat (which makes me bad, wrong, unworthy), and so I avoid attractive people.
If I think about cheating, had dreams of cheating, or had a false memory of cheating, then it’s as bad as cheating.
Being afraid of cheating or finding other people attractive makes me feel like I cheated.
You don’t have to even keep these stories around you anymore.
Yes, you get to let it go.
I’m giving you permission.
Because what matters is not the stories or thoughts that come up, but how you’re relating to it, how you’re holding on to it, and how you’re interpreting it.
Take that in.
This is how we start to awaken...
…By Questioning Our Beliefs and Stories
A big part of starting to do the work of awakening into love is to start questioning our stories, thoughts and beliefs that have been passed down (maybe for generations).
What occurs with most people with ROCD is that they hold so tightly to thoughts as the truth and meaning behind their life. This means that the statements that spiral in their mind most likely become catastrophic and are black or white.
For example:
”If I find this person attractive...” is a thought that quickly evokes guilt, shame, hyper-responsibility — and becomes catastrophic black or white thinking: “I need to leave my partner.”
What we do with Awaken into Love and through the ROCD course is help people identify these distorted thoughts, and we do this by teaching them about cognitive work.
When one is living in an unawakened state, it means they are living blindly to their thoughts and stories as if they are simply the truth, without questioning the validity of it.
Awakened love sheds light on how to give radical compassion to our feelings, question our distorted thoughts, and take the power to trust ourselves — which is a huge part of de-constructing the fear, “What if I cheat?”
When awakening into love, beliefs surrounding attraction and the fear of cheating start to change form:
It’s wrong for me to think that others are attractive.
Awakened: Attraction to others is part of being human. Just as we are attracted and drawn to the sunset, food, the beautiful things in life — as, too, can we be attracted to others.
If I love my partner and if I am worthy of their love, then I shouldn’t find another person attractive or fantasize about another person.
Awakened: I am worthy of love no matter what thought or feeling comes through me. It is human to find others attractive and to fantasize. Finding others attractive and fantasizing does not define my worth.
I am responsible for my partner’s happiness. If I think others are attractive, then I’ll hurt my partner.
Awakened: This is a cognitive distortion of hyper responsibility. I am not responsible for my partner’s happiness, and being attracted to others is part of being human.
If I have a thought or find another person attractive or fall in love with them, then I’ll end up cheating.
Awakened: This is the fear of losing control and the shame that it’s wrong to find another attractive or even fall in love. There’s also fear that something will take over and cause me to cheat. I always have a choice. ROCD and anxiety make me feel as though I don’t, but I can control and dictate my actions. I can’t control the thoughts and feelings that pop in, but I can control my actions.
I fear that I’ll lose control and cheat (which makes me bad, wrong, unworthy) and so I avoid attractive people.
Awakened: These fears of losing control keep me in the loop and illusion of ROCD. Freedom comes when I start to let go of this fear of control and realize that I had control of my actions all along. My feelings and thoughts do not dictate my actions.
If I think about cheating, had dreams of cheating, or had a false memory of cheating, then it’s as bad as cheating.
Awakened: This is a cognitive distortion around the idea that thoughts, feelings and images are the same as the act of cheating. If I think of cheating on a scale of 1-10, I can rate it at a 10, if I think of “thinking of cheating”, then that is a 1 compared to a 10. I understand that the act of cheating vs. having images or thoughts of cheating is not the same as taking the action of cheating.
Being afraid of cheating or having a false memory that I cheated means I did it and I am bad.
Awakened: Anxiety and ROCD can make me feel as though I have done something wrong or that I am a “bad” person. Being afraid of cheating or having a false memory does not mean that I did the action. Anxiety’s job is to make me feel as though I did something in order to make sure I have control and to protect me. I also know the more I check into a false memory and attraction, then that addictive feeling of false control amplifies.
When it flips.
For some clients and course members that we’ve worked with, they have explained that their fears have flipped.
”I used to worry that I would cheat, but now I worry that my partner will cheat.”
”I sometimes obsess between me finding other people attractive and also worrying my partner finds them attractive.”
”I am now hyper-vigilant about my partner doing something. It’s like I can’t trust them.”
Usually, this would take the form of relationship anxiety, but we have seen this happen for a couple of reasons:
1. Anxious, avoidant attachment styles may be coming up. The fear of abandonment and loss that was masked in the ROCD is now hyper-focusing in to look at the partner instead of the self.
2. Trauma of the past. Someone in the past could have hurt you, or could have done something to break your trust. It can be helpful to write down how the trauma of the past could be playing a part in your present relationship. This is when we start to also separate stories. “This is my brain focused on the past because I was hurt, so of course it’s trying to protect me again.” Doing therapy and work around this trauma and trust can be healing as well.
3. Another way to seek control and protect. Because the nervous system still feels unsafe, it will try to look elsewhere and outside to make sure all is safe and okay. This is very similar to how an ROCD person can go from obsessing about attraction, to compatibility, to their feelings toward their partner, to another obsession which may help feel “safe and secure.” The themes switch because the individual is not addressing the deeper cause, which is usually abandonment or fear of loss.
4. Not wanting to repeat the past. If one has encountered a parent who has cheated, a difficult divorce, or another traumatic incident, then one can become obsessive — not only about how they feel about their partner but also their partner’s motives as well. This can keep us stuck in our old stories, in stories that aren’t us.
What can be helpful is to start recognizing and become curious as to where our trauma and our past could have played a part in our obsessive need to seek control in our partners, and first do the work to separate our partners from our past. We then work on creating freedom and safety within ourselves to not seek freedom on the outside — and instead mov
The fear of freedom.
The truth is that people with ROCD feel that the obsessing, ruminating and staying in compulsion will keep them secure and safe. People with ROCD crave freedom, happiness and security, but there is a fear of moving into that because it requires letting go of what has kept us “safe.”
“If I ruminate hard enough then I can keep the bad away”
”If I stay in my compulsions, then I know I am safe because it feels safe”
”If I let go of the obsessions, then I may end up doing what I don’t want to do — cheating, or falling in love with someone else”
”If I stop checking, the bad will happen”
Letting go of this has a few effects:
- We feel our discomfort and fear of not staying in “control” through obsessive thinking.
- We realize we need to lean into the uncertainty and trust that we actually do have control over our actions.
- We lean into the present moment, which for some, means feeling the hyperawareness, the underlying discomfort that they’ve been holding on to. The “scanning” of environments to make sure they are safe.
- Realize that the thoughts, images, sensations we experience does not equal to the love or commitment we have for our partner. We are bigger than that.
I also want to remind you, that it is not your fault in any way for having these protective mechanisms. We hold on to them because our unconscious, scared self and trauma brain feels as though it’s doing us a service and keeping us safe.
In reality, obsessive thinking keeps us stuck. Many people struggle to remove themselves because the ruminations and the compulsions are familiar and make them feel safe. For some, there is a deep fear of letting go of the protective mechanism of ROCD because it has kept them in a form of survival — until our awakened being whispers that the ruminations are keeping us small and separate from our whole selves.
Starting to move into freedom means starting to trust in our awakened selves, the one that can hold our fear, our anxiety, in radical compassion, and start to question stories and beliefs that we have held on to for too long.
Awakening into love
We are not our stories, beliefs, wounds or our protective mechanisms that continue to keep us small.
The true freedom of awakening into love is starting to question our stories and realizing, first and foremost, that they do not define us.
That we are worthy, loved, and safe despite the thoughts, images and feelings that come through us.
That to find others attractive, having images of one cheating, falling in love with another being, or seeking attraction is part of being human and living on this planet.
The pain comes in not by finding another attractive, having images of one cheating, falling in love with another being or seeking attention. As we know, most people without ROCD can go about their lives happy to fantasize about other individuals, finding others attractive and even fantasizing about cheating without much guilt, shame or anxiety attached to it and still love, care and commit to their partner.
And this itself shows us over and over again that it is not the thoughts, feelings or images that pop into our minds that matter, but more on how we are reacting to these sensations.
We start to awaken into love by recognizing that we are human, and it is okay to feel these feelings. But, I don’t want to give you reassurance to take away your guilt, but to provide you with the awakened tools to be able to give yourself that radical compassion of being human.
Those with ROCD who have the fear of cheating or finding others attractive, who feel that they are wrong or bad, ultimately fear that they will end up doing what they are most afraid of doing: hurting their partner and then losing them.
Those with ROCD who have the fear of cheating or finding others attractive, in some way also have a false belief that they have no control over their actions. When in reality, we have complete control over the actions we take. (Yes, we have power. Feelings and thoughts can’t overtake that).
If we can come into awakening and understand our humanness, and bring radical compassion to being human, then this eases the guilt and shame accompanied by the thoughts, which eases the ROCD.
Ever wondered why you seek to see if others feel the same way as you?”
It’s mainly because we want validation that what we feel is okay, and that we can still choose our partner.
To awaken means to take back our own empowerment within ourselves, to give back our control by recognizing we have control over our actions. No feelings, non-feelings, images or sensations can spin us out of control and make us do something.
But, to awaken into love means doing the work of starting to trust in our humanness, and that no matter what we feel, think or imagine is okay. It doesn’t make us bad, unworthy or unlovable.
We are loved, worthy, good, enough — no matter how we feel, think, or what we’ve experienced.
You are only human. And that is a beautiful thing.