Long Distance Relationship and ROCD

So today we're talking to you all about long distance relationships in ROCD. So if you are in a long distance relationship and you have ROCD, or maybe you're about to be in a long distance relationship and you have ROCD, or maybe you were in a long distance relationship and you are moving in with your partner, you're becoming closer with your partner physically, then this video is for you. 

In the beginning, I'm going to be answering the top most requested questions that I got on Instagram. You can follow us @withawakenintolove on Instagram. And I'm going to be answering those questions for you, at the end, I'm going to be giving you tips. 

What are some things that you can do if you're experiencing ROCD and you're in a long distance relationship and some reminders to keep you going when things feel really tough. I also want to say that in this video, I'm going to be saying LDR a lot as a short abbreviation for long distance relationship, because it's going to be hard to say long distance relationship every time, and it's probably going to start annoying you. 

So let's talk all about LDR, and ROCD combined. Now, the first thing that I want to say is that for anyone who is in LDR, it's difficult, it's challenging. It's not easy to be an LDR. You hardly see your partner and maybe you see them once a month, maybe once a week, maybe even once a year. It can be challenging. Aside from people who even have ROCD, there can be different expectations that come up. There can be different feelings that come up that can be confusing. And that can also be periods of sadness, of grief, of confusion and doubt. 

Am I making the right decision? Do I really want to be with my partner? Right. These are all very normal things to have and anxieties to have. And it doesn't mean that you're in the wrong relationship or that you need to leave. These are just normal parts of being in an LDR. 

So there's something that Alexis our Awaken into love ROCD specialist and therapist and coach really talks about in regards to being in an LDR, which is that it can be an incredible portal for a deeper awakening and growth. Yes within yourself, but also within your relationship. 

And I know that we don't hear that a lot right. We see articles saying LDRs are so difficult, they're not good. They can hurt the relationship, yada, yada, yada. But what if an LDR was actually another portal for you to become more awakened and into a deeper healing within yourself and also with your relationship? And what that basically means is that an LDR really forces an individual to become more of an individual. You can't really run away from the pain that you may be suppressing about your anxious attachment styles or codependency or wholeness giveaway syndrome. It really gives you an opportunity to go deeper into healing with the right tools. 

So keeping that in mind, we can really see LDRs as a greater opportunity for awakening. And hats off to you if you're in an LDR because this is challenging work. ROCD and in a relationship with someone who is physically close in and of itself is difficult. But when you are in a long distance relationship, well, that means that you're definitely more of a warrior because it can be harder, especially if you have different attachment styles or anxious attachment styles and you can't necessarily physically be with your partner. So not to let that scare you, because at the end I will be giving you tools that can breed more connection and intimacy within your relationship and strong reminders to help you and get you going and get you in the line of healing and connection with your partner. 

Before I do that, I'm going to answer questions. And I have a feeling that these will resonate with you, especially if you're in an LDR because at the end of the day, we're all human. You're not alone. And people with ROCD, hey, you all experience the same exact thoughts, the same feelings and the same obsessions. You're not alone. 

So the first question that I'm going to be going over today is all about exposure. "Kiyomi, how do I work on exposure work even when I'm not with my partner?"

So the good news is that you don't need to be physically in contact with your partner in the same space to do exposure work. For a lot of our clients and members who are in an LDR there are a couple of different compulsions that can absolutely be common when an individual is in an LDR. 

One thing that can come up for a lot of people is checking their feelings constantly, whether they miss their partner or not or whether they want to be with their partner or not. This can absolutely be a compulsion. Even though it's internal, it is still a compulsion. Another compulsion that someone can frequently go into being in an LDR is checking photos of their partner, checking photos of the past, checking to see if they're still attracted to their partner because they can't physically see their partner in person all the time. They will most likely use photos instead of social media. Another way is for a person to compare their partner with other people, maybe on the street, saying, OK, this person is physically closer to me. Does that mean that I want to be in a relationship with them more than my partner? It's important to become more aware and clear of the compulsions that you go into, and that way we can become more aware of our patterns and our habits when we're experiencing ROCD.

Now, you can absolutely use exposure work with any of these circumstances. Of course, leaning into discomfort, understanding the ROCD and becoming aware is the first step. But writing down your compulsions and becoming more aware of them is the first step to really working through the compulsions and going into exposure work. 

Second question that I got was "How do I manage expectations? The expectations of it need to be perfect."

So when we have this idea that something needs to be perfect, whether it's in a relationship, or career or friendship. Then we are of course automatically, setting ourselves up for disappointment. Now with ROCD and LDR you might have even higher expectations. Maybe expectations or old stories that you got from the media or other people saying that it needs to be amazing when you guys see each other after all these months, or if you don't miss your partner, then something must be wrong. Or that when you're together, it has to be perfect. 

Now these expectations can of course lead to disappointments. But with ROCD it can be even higher, because we might ruminate on it needing to be perfect and trying to see the control over perfection. The first thing to work on with ROCD and expectations in general, is to look at what perfect means to you. Does that mean that you expect it to be constant butterflies? Does this mean that you expect to miss your partner, or jump into your partner's arms and feel complete and whole and don't have a doubt? Does perfection to you mean that you're going to be constantly blissfully happy when you see each other? Or does perfection to you mean as though you won't have any doubts? 

Write down what you expect in terms of it needing to be perfect. What does it mean to be perfect to you?  And then come into this reality of recognizing  first and foremost that being human is part of things not being perfect. That there will be disappointments, that you will feel doubt, that you will feel uncertainty, that you will feel maybe obsessive thoughts.  And sure you might feel disappointed about that and that's okay too. But the way to work on our expectations is to cut down what we're expecting so much on. Because with ROCD, the bar can be even higher and we feel as though we put a lot more expectations on it needing to feel a certain way and when it's not, it can lead to a deeper disappointment. So understanding that we have expectations, especially high expectations which can automatically lead to disappointments can first and foremost be key to understanding that we might feel disappointed and that's okay.

And the second part is to not gear or work toward perfection but work toward just being human. Work toward just being in a human relationship without needing to be blissful, happy, perfect, or in love all the time or not needing to miss their partner all the time, and that's okay too. It's part of being human, and it's also part of experiencing ROCD. 

Question number 3;  "I focus a lot on the imperfections when I see them, how do I stop this?"

So I can guarantee that most people even without ROCD can 100% relate to this. Focusing on the imperfections. And why I like about this question, that gives me a little bit of a clue on how to your mind is working if you've asked this question, is that you asked "How do I stop this?"And the thing that happens with people with ROCD is that there is an obsessive control on trying to figure out how they can stop the thoughts. How do I stop the thoughts, how do I stop the feelings?How do I make them go away? And the important takeaway to all of this work is that we can't stop our thoughts, we can't just push away the feelings, we can't immediately push away the impulses or the reactions that we have. And it's not the thoughts or feelings that matter but how we react to it. So focusing on the imperfections is of course really common with ROCD especially with LDR because you might have high expectations and you might be going into it like, "Oh my God, I can't focus on this. I can't focus on this. What should I do?" So again, if you're focusing on the imperfections, it's not necessarily wrong to do so but more on how you react to it. How are you reacting to the moment and what's happening? How are you talking to yourself in a moment when you're focusing on the imperfections? A lot of times people with ROCD focus on the imperfections, because they feel as though they're wrong for focusing on them. How can we bring in radical compassion for just focusing on them, for being curious, for trying to seek control? These are all protective mechanisms and we're doing it because it's an illusion of trying to protect ourselves. 

Question number 4; "Why do I enjoy talking to them on the phone rather than seeing them in person?" "And on the flip side, why do I enjoy seeing them more than talking to them on the phone?" 

So I got a lot of these questions, in different formats or different ways where people feel as though they had shame because they felt they're more comfortable talking to them maybe on text or on the phone or they felt more anxiety if they were in person with them. And the really important thing that I just want to bring about, is that anxiety works in mysterious and different ways per individual. Some people feel more comfortable talking on the phone or in person. Some people feel more comfortable texting, some people feel more comfortable when they're with their partner. It's all dependent on the individual. And think about it from a day to day perspective, some of my friends would rather text, some of my friends would rather be on the phone. For me, I would much rather be on the phone with someone and get through it than go through texting. So the important thing to just takeaway within this is every individual is different. The work on radical compassion, with the shame that you might be feeling or maybe questioning yourself why you may be feeling a certain way when they're with you or not. Sometimes an individual may feel less anxiety if they are on the phone with their partner because there is no face to face physical interaction that can be triggering.  Some people prefer being in person with them because they can feel as though they can be more connected, more intimate, more physically in their space. Everyone is different in terms of their individuality, in terms of their past, in terms of their culture and none of it is wrong. Which is more on how you're working with it, and how you're using it to awaken in your relationship and yourself.  

Question number 5; "I'm constantly worrying  , what if I don't miss my partner or I don't need or want them anymore."

So if you have this specific belief, right, this feeling that I'm constantly worrying that I don't miss them. The first thing that will happen with ROCD is that the more we focus on needing to feel in love or needing to miss our partner, the less we're gonna feel in love, the less we're gonna miss our partner because there is a hyper focus on needing to feel it. So, the really important thing is just to bring awareness about that. We're not gonna miss our partner, we're not gonna feel super in love with our partner, when we're constantly trying to miss them or love them. The other thing that I want to break down is this expectation on needing to miss our partner.  And I'm sure that you can relate to this if you're not in a long distance relationship. But if you're in a long distance relationship, this is such a huge societal belief that so many people being in LDR feel as though they must feel "I need to miss my partner enough. I need to miss them more. If I don't miss them, what does that mean?  If I don't need them, what does that mean? The beautiful thing about this is that we don't need to constantly be missing our partner. We don't need to constantly be feeling as though we need to see them and that's the amazing thing about being individuals, about being whole. And again with LDR, it's an opportunity for us to come more into our wholeness, for us to really work on the triggers that come up for us to maybe work on our attachment styles and all the different pain points that can be unmasked if we take away the ROCD. Again, just ask yourself where this specific belief came from? It probably came from a societal belief thinking of it in my mind. And why there's this need of needing to miss someone, as though missing someone is an anecdote for needing to be with them or wanting to be with them. 

Question number 6; "Why do I get so afraid of seeing them again?"

Well we need to take into account that ROCD is anxiety and anxiety latches onto things and perceives it to be a threat. So if you're constantly anxious about our partner, or if you're constantly anxious about our relationship then our brain starts thinking as though our partner is something to be anxious about. And that's the simplistic form, there's so much science and biology and a lot more amazing science about it. But that was just the simplistic form. Our brain has associated them with anxiety, and the good news is we can work through that, it's not permanent. But that's why, you might feel as though you're fearful. You might also have expectations. What if it's not good, what if I don't miss them, what if I don't really want to see them, what if I'm not happy and all these types of fears that can bring about anxiety. So, you're not alone with that. 

Question number 7; "I have a fear of growing apart, fear of healing without them. "

Now, in any type of relationship, even if you're physically with someone, we're going to be constantly and healing individually. Now, growing apart is of course a very very common obsessive theme with people with ROCD. But the truth is that, as individuals we are constantly growing individually. And there are absolutely tools and exercises that we can use to become in a more connected relationship. My question for you is how can you heal and how can you share that with your partner? How can you grow and how can you grow with your partner? How can you evolve and also evolve with your partner? That's what I would go to. 

Question number 8; transitions from being an LDR to not or maybe you're not in one and you're going into an LDR.

Now, any type of change, any type of transition can bring up anxiety, can bring up fear. So if you're experiencing a lot of fear, if you're experiencing a lot of anxiety and you're moving into moving in together or you're moving into being in a long distance relationship it's okay to have doubts, it's okay to have feelings, it's okay to have sensations that cause you to have more anxiety. You're moving into something new and something that I bring a lot within the community and also just on Instagram page  is our brain seeks comfort. It seeks familiarity. So any type of change is going to feel uncomfortable, any type of unfamiliar sensations to the brain is going to cause alarm bells. And especially if you are more prone to feeling more stressed out when you're going through changes, then you might feel anxiety then too. But remember everyone, going into discomfort and feeling anxiety or fear does not mean that you're doing anything wrong. It's just that the brain hates change.

One thing that I kinda want to spiral back into and kind of end with in regards to the questions that I got is that ROCD is a protective mechanism. So it can mask a lot of feelings that are so very normal with being in an intimate relationship and also being in an LDR. So sometimes ROCD can spin more out of control if you're experiencing maybe sadness,  sadness that you wished your partner was closer, sadness that you had an intimate relationship that was more physical, right? Or like are physically intimate but you can't because you're in an LDR. It can bring about different types of feelings. So understanding and working with the emotions, understanding that they are part of these human experiences and they are part of ROCD can first and foremost be helpful but starting to bring radical compassion to the feelings and understanding that they could be masking deeper feelings of fear and pain. And these deeper feelings, I know this can be a trigger for a lot of people can just be feelings of just sadness, right? Sadness that they can't compare their relationship to their friends or when they do, they feel left out because they wished their partner was there. Or just sadness that they can't interact with their partner and that can be masked to ROCD.

So really taking time to bring radical compassion to yourself. Being in an LDR is warrior, warriorest, warrior work, it is hard but it can be an incredible awakening  to a deeper relationship within yourself which will lead to a deeper relationship with your partner.

So some other things that also came up for other people which is not necessarily in regards to ROCD but just in general right? Different fears can come up for different people being in an LDR. What if my partner cheats on me? What if my partner ends up finding someone else? What if my partner leaves me? These are very common anxieties that someone can go through especially if they in the past have been cheated on. Saw a difficult relationship with their parents had some trauma,  childhood wounds can absolutely come up. So work with anxiety the same way you would work with any other form of anxiety and any other form of struggle that you're going through as well. These can absolutely come up if someone is in an LDR and even if someone is in a relationship or someone is physically close.

So a couple of helpful tips, if you're in an LDR which can help minimize the ROCD and also build more connection with your partner.

One thing that could be helpful is setting realistic expectations. So we talked a lot about expectations, and this feeling of needing things to be perfect. But what can also be helpful is writing down expectations of what a relationship will most likely look like with ROCD, right. So even writing down things like it is expected to feel and worry about missing my partner. Or it is expected to check my feelings about missing them or not. Just this expectation of ROCD in general. But also coming into couples work, expectations about your partnership. Are you going to be talking to your partner everyday? What time are you going to be talking to your partner?

And also setting up a routine. So routine and structure can be beautiful within LDR because it sets some sort of certainty. And also sets some sort of a structured connection that can happen whenever you meet with your partner. You might not feel necessarily connected, you might feel disconnected but leaning into the disconnection is also the exposure work as well. Another thing that may happen especially with exposure is  seeing your partner anyway. You might be avoiding seeing them, especially going on a Skype with them, you haven't seen them in a while. See them anyway, lean into the things that you're fearful of. If you're afraid of seeing them, set a date with them anyway. If you're afraid of talking to them, talk to them anyway. That is even deeper exposure work as well and can be extremely and will be extremely helpful for building more connections also within your relationship.

Another tip for just generally creating more connection within your relationship is asking yourself what makes you feel more connected when you're on Skype. Maybe it's looking intimately at each other. Maybe it's doing the same thing together. Maybe it's going on a date together in your house or they're at their house. Setting something up that can be more intimate and can build more connections can also be helpful as well.

Now, some takeaways, some reminders that will help you while you're in an LDR; the first one is that LDRs are hard for everyone, you're not alone. And if you're struggling, then really know you're not alone. LDRs can be challenging but they can be an extremely powerful awakening for you.

To become more intimate with yourself and build that connection with you and build that connection with your partner. ROCD maybe masking feelings of sadness, of grief, of fear and tapping into that and becoming more intimate with yourself will help the ROCD. LDRs can be a deeper tool for deepening awakening and deeper work. It will force you to become more into your wholeness than to rely on your partner for constant reassurance and approval. Develop your relationship with yourself despite the fear of losing your relationship or your partner. Partnership is about being two individuals growing individually and growing together. Another tip is just to watch out with your stories in regards to LDR and even in relationships.Where did this false story come from? Where did these expectations come from? A lot of times you might realize, they're societal based and they don't even come from us. Needing to miss your partner all the time, needing to feel the constant passion, needing to feel the sense of aliveness every time you see each other and then feeling disappointed when you're not. Where did these stories come from? You don't have to believe them, they don't have to be your story.

Watch out for expectations, watch out for the need of things needing to be a certain way. Lean into the discomfort, lean into the disconnection being part of it.  Lean into understanding that sometimes disconnection actually helps with connection as well.

Create structure and routine together and also for yourself. What are some ways that you both can connect? What are some things that you can do together? These are ways to deepen the relationship and deepen your connection with your partner and also with yourself.

To end this whole video on LDR, again LDRs can be difficult. I was in an LDR with actually my husband when I was actually going into college and that was a whole another thing. So I can completely understand if this is challenging for you, know you are not alone.Use these tips and if they're helpful for you, use them even more. They can bring comfort, they can bring relief, they can bring peace when you are struggling with ROCD in an LDR.

LDRs can be an incredible form of awakening, as Alexis said they can actually help you deepen yourself into healing. So use these opportunities to awaken within yourself and also within your relationship.