Getting EMPOWERED from ROCD/Anxiety & LDR (ft. Piera)

Also available on Apple iTunes

Hi, everyone! In today's podcast episode, I interviewed the wonderful Piera, who is coming all the way from Chile in South America. Piera is an ROCD course level one graduate and AIR graduate, and she has a lot of wisdom to offer you. Honestly, I feel like this is one of the most empowering podcast episodes we've ever done, and our intention was to really sit down and talk to you about long distance relationships. And yes, we do talk about it. But it ended up being just so empowering, juicy and phenomenal, as Piera has offered you so much of her own wisdom and what has worked within her own healing with ROCD. Her relationship and how she's really used ROCD and anxiety as a way to awaken and become a more empowered version of herself. 

Honestly, as I listened to this podcast and edited it, I was like, wow, this one is going to be so helpful for all of you. So if you're not in any long distance relationship or you are, this one is going to be really, really good. In the beginning, we talk about different feelings and long distance relationship feelings. I can come up with the painful parts of ROCD understanding the "dark night of the soul", the power of humbleness, self-responsibility and power of taking ownership. Knowing that no one is forcing you to choose your partner and how that can be really empowering for yourself. How to take self-responsibility. Noticing your own changes, healing and success. And then we go a little bit more into long distance relationships with societal pressure, creating your own intimacy, compassion to your partner and question and answers that we got from Instagram. We hope that you really enjoyed this podcast episode and enjoy Piera's wisdom and her awakening as you listen to how you can use these tools as a way to awaken within yourself, your relationship and your life. 

Piera: Thank you so much for having me here. It's a complete honor for me. You guys can imagine how it feels to speak with Kiyomi in this kind of intimate way, right? 

Kiyomi: I'm so happy to have you. How does it feel to be on the Awaken into Love podcast? Like, did you ever feel that you would be on like you would be here with me today? 

Piera: Actually, no. Because you know, when you start your ROCD healing journey, you can imagine how far you can get to be at this place that you actually can share your experience and help other people through making community and sharing. I don't know advices, wisdom. And so even I tell you when we were preparing this podcast that. Even though I did the AIR program and we have so many, you know, personalized classes, it still feels like, oh my God, I am speaking with Kiyomi. So it's such an honor for me. 

Kiyomi: It's so sweet, I think that I love to ask everyone this question because I want all of the audiences and the listeners to like, really recognize that usually when you start the ROCD journey and you have anxiety, a lot of people never feel like they're going to be able to make it, or they're going to be able to even get better, or they're going to be able to even you know, heal in different ways. And I think that this is such a good representation, like you were saying, like you never thought that you'd be on this podcast. And for everyone listening right now, I just want to remind you over and over and over again that every single person that's been on this podcast, in our interviews, were exactly like you. They never thought that they could get to this place of being better and having wisdom. And I just love people, you know, coming on the podcast, and I'm just so excited to have you, Piera. And just to have you talking about long distance relationships today, because I think that there's a lot of people out there who are in long distance relationships and there's not that much information out there, especially with ROCD. So I'm so happy you're here. And I would love to hear just a little bit about maybe your background in terms of where you're living, how your ROCD started, and just kind of how things have unfolded throughout your journey with ROCD. 

Piera: Yeah, for sure. And I'm from Chile. I'm from the capital. And anyone who is Chilean, listen to me, I have to show you guys, Kiyomi has been in Chile too for vacation. So that for me was, Oh my god. So a little bit of my background. I'm 29, in November I'm turning 30 and my boyfriend, he's my fiance, he is from New York. We actually met in New York because I went to New York to study English for two years, and then I came back to Chile and they went to visit again and we met in 2019. And this is when I started to experience ROCD in 2019. But through my healing journey, I started discovering that, OK, I started to experience ROCD in this relationship, but before I wasn't aware about my patterns in other relationships. So I always had anxiety. But in my family and in Chile, I speak about mental health, in relationships or whatever relation it is as a human being is not something that is common. So my ROCD journey, I can say that it was something that you mentioned about us, it was like a bell. That where you were having all these years living under what it is anxiety but you never noticed that, but it was a point that started calling you, something is happening with you. Some other therapies called this, the Dark Night of the soul, bell or whatever you can call. But something was happening in myself that I was like, OK, this is not normal, right? 

Kiyomi: It's like something is here and something's asking for your attention. Would you be able to talk a little bit about what the dark night of the soul is? Because I know you brought that up just for people who are curious, because I think that that's a really big thing that happens for a lot of people where there's some people who are like, OK, I've had anxiety here and there in my life, and I've had it in different relationships. And some people are like, Well, I've had ROCD and past relationships, like, why is it coming up so intensely? Maybe now, or why am I really, really suffering now? And I feel like especially with our idea with Awaken into Love, we really feel like ROCD, exactly like you're saying, is like that bell. It's like a hard suffering, painful bell. And yeah, with me telling us to kind of start to look at what's coming up, not as something bad or that we did something bad or there's something bad with our relationship, but more so of what's there. That's asking for deeper love and care and healing. And some people talk about that period of the darkness as Dark Night of the soul. So would you be able to talk a little bit about that? Because I think that's right. 

Piera: Yeah, yeah, for sure. And first, I don't want to trigger anyone with this because I know how ROCD works. But when I met my fiance there, it was very like an authentic connection that we felt for each other. It was something that just happened at the difference with other people that it's their experience ROCD you can experience when you have, I don't know, two years, eight years of relationship with me ROCD started at the beginning, but I never felt that kind of connection before, so I was like, wait, I was with him feeling I was so infatuated. We were infatuated with each other. And then I had to come back to Chile and we were so in love that immediately he got a ticket to come to Chile. He has never been to South America. He just came here. And in that scene, when I was waiting for him to visit me, I start having nights full of doubt, like why I'm and I am doing this. What is actually love, you know, when you are in your heightened state of ROCD, you're even questioning what is actually love? Why are you as a human being trying to have a relationship? 

Kiyomi: Right, right. It goes. It can go to if the anxiety is so high for a lot of people and people have really been in the obsessive thoughts it can go into, like thinking about the relationship, to thinking about love, to thinking about like the definition of life, to thinking about, like all of these questions about what a relationship is. And all these types of things that the brain can really bring us to. 

Piera: Yeah, yeah. Actually, the obsessions are not just connecting to your partner. It can be about everything that is meaningful for you. So this is when I was like, Why am I doing this? I mean, if you got a ticket to come to Chile, this is about to visit me. I have to wait for him. It is his first time in Chile. I noticed I wanted to give him a good experience in Chile, right? 

Kiyomi: Right. The pressure, 

Piera: The pressure of like why I'm doing this? 

Kiyomi: Exactly so much pressure from this person coming all the way. And I think that most people can relate to this with long distance relationships. We can talk more about this later, but the pressure that happens around this person bought a ticket for me. They're coming down for me. They're doing all of this. Why am I feeling this way? And the more we have that pressure on ourselves, the more the anxiety gets bigger? 

Piera: And also this now that you mention that if you put this pressure, but also when you are in this heightened state, then you are looking for that feeling a lot of trying to find an answer to be like, OK, these feelings are there. We are going to be fine and the ticket, the dream or whatever it is, it's going to, it's going to be fine. 

Kiyomi: Right, right. And then if you have like one moment of that happiness and love and excitement, you're like, it's they're like, they're like, Thank God, and then when it goes away, it's like, Wait, we know, come back. 

Piera: Yes. Actually, when I was waiting for him, I was so, so, so obsessed about it that I was literally praying all night. Like, Please God, bring me, bring me the feelings back. So when he actually had their flight, he came to Chile and I picked him up from the airport. We went to our hotel because we were about to take another flight to visit the south of Chile, and we went to a hotel and I started feeling this feeling today for 15 minutes. And I was. The feelings are there, the feelings are there, like what is happening? And then they were gone. But I remember that when we went to the south of Chile and this is when my ROCD started getting so, so, so, so bad, I don't know if you, at least for me, when I mean very, very high stress level, I started having an ulcer. 

Kiyomi: Yeah, yeah. That's where that's the fascination. That's the most fascinating part about the body that some people talk about, which I experienced too, which is most common for everyone, which is that whatever we're experiencing, the stress, it affects us not only mentally but physically. You know, in a sense, where people start getting stomach aches, people start getting ulcers. It's just going to manifest differently for different people. For some people who have stress they don't go to ROCD, they might go numbing out or may kind of like go compulsively shoplifting or shop buying stuff online, right? But it can definitely manifest physically, which seems that you started to experience. 

Piera: Yeah, for me, for me, with ulcers was a big, big, big thing. My face was full of ulcers and the most terrible thing about it was that I didn't know what was happening. Like and I wanted so badly to be with him, because once a very special relationship for me and I didn't know what was happening with me, So all those two weeks. I'm sorry. 

Kiyomi: No, I'm so sorry. I was just going to say, I think that that's one of the most painful parts and actually, like, you know, one of the parts that just brings up so much suffering is the confusion. Like, what's going on? What's happening? Why am I feeling this way? And then we start to go into this confusion, and then once our partner reacts, then we start to go more into this place of, you know, what's going on or our partner has no idea. So we're just feeling so guilty. But I think that that confusing piece really gets people to start to be like, What's going on with me? I'm so confused now I need to figure out what's happening. 

Piera: Exactly, exactly. And also for me, was that kind of internal and constant fight. Like, I want to be here, but my mind and my body are literally pushing me away every second because it wasn't even hours every second that you create this kind of wall around you. But you don't let your partner come to you. So those two weeks that he came to Chile, they were literally, I mean, he was flying because he was seeing another country and he was visiting my family or whatever. But I was so out of myself, actually, that he came to celebrate my birthday. That was in November. So it's going to be almost two years since that happened. And when everyone was singing my birthday, happy birthday, you know, and they were with the cake. These people ask you, you know, to make a wish for your birthday. And I remember that moment that I was with everyone around me and my wish was, Please God, help me to figure out what is happening with me because I was so desperate about it. But after that, I made that wish that I fell in Awaken into Love, a month after that. 

Kiyomi: So beautiful that our wishes can come true. Like that with our prayers.

Piera: Yes. I will never actually forget that birthday, because that birthday is the first time that I actually asked for something so deeply from my soul. Like, Please help me, please, I need to feel. 

Kiyomi: Please help. I think that's where we get to that point where and I think this is part of like the "dark night of the soul" that we were talking a little bit about earlier, which is basically where we go through these periods of life where, you know, sometimes we're kind of mentally doing well, physically doing well, everything kind of feels secure. And then sometimes we really get into those dark places, which some psychologists call like dark and especially if they're like more Carl Jung based or Jungian based psychology, people will say "dark night of the soul", which is actually just more of like this necessary part of different phases of our life where we go into like our shadow parts or the difficult parts. And a lot of people start to get confused when we go into those places because again, they feel like what's wrong with me. You know, our society doesn't really encourage the beauty and the transformation of darkness. And what I mean by that is that there is a lot of wisdom and there is a lot of growth, actually our greatest growth in the darkness, right, in our pain. While we start to say, Oh my God, I need help, I need support and we go through something bigger and we start to transform. But The "dark night of the soul" is really going through the darkest parts of our soul in order for us to transform. And it's usually in those periods like you were talking Piera, where you're just like, Oh my god, please help. I need help. I need help with something, and then we start to reach out. We start to seek help. And then we realized in those moments, we're not alone when we find people who are exactly like us and understand. 

Piera: Yeah, yeah. The "dark night of the soul" is, I can say, the most painful experience that you can actually have in your life, but also can bring the biggest light in yourself. 

Kiyomi: So beautiful, so I'm just going to say that again, for the audience of the "dark night of the soul", the darkness is one of the most painful parts of life. Yeah, but it is one of the most transformative parts, transformative things for your soul. So I just want everyone to just like, pause and just take that. And especially if you're going through something hard right now and it doesn't even matter if you're really, really going through like the really dark parts of suffering or you're just feeling uncomfortable, you're feeling uneasy. I want to remind you all that you're not doing anything wrong. You're really there's nothing wrong with you. And I want to remind every single one of you that this is part of being human, but more than that, that this darkness in this growth and this pain, even though you can't see it right now, is going to lead you to the most transformative, incredible places because I believe personally that to get to places of growth and transformation, it does need to be just uncomfortable sometimes. And I think that you've probably recognized that through your journey with ROCD as well. 

Piera: Yeah, definitely. I mean, it's gonna sound a little bit crazy, but I don't regret having my dark night as well. Yeah, I mean, I suffer so, so, so much. But I was reborn. This is a new year after that. And also like a new year in my relationship, I'm a new year with my parents and my new year with my friends. I'm in a new year with people around me. It feels like my ROCD showed me that through your life, you can be. Many people, many types of people, and I feel that the Piera before ROCD was sleeping like, I thought I was happy, but actually I was just living in an automatic pilot. 

Kiyomi:  I love that so much, because that's really the emphasis and basis of Awaken into Love, it's the awakening and using our suffering and our darkness as a way to become awake and see really what's happening. And I love that. As difficult as it was, your relationship in the ROCD pushed you to get to that place of transformation and you chose to do that work. You know, like there are people who choose to, not. That's the reality of it and that a lot of people go into this place of, you know, I'm not getting better, like, what's happening? I'm not like, I'm not getting better. And there's definitely the truth that it takes a while. It does take a while. Yeah, but there's also the truth, which is you're not going to get better if you don't do any work. If you listen to the podcasts and watch the videos and that's it and you don't put in that hard work. You're not going to get better. And I think that that's part of like that dark night of the soul of like doing that work. I don't know if this felt resonant for you, but for me Piera, like when I did ROCD work and I really stepped in, I was like, Oh, I realize that this is like, this is hard stuff. You know, this is not easy just reading a textbook and I'm done. This is a deep, deep, deep transformation, and it seems like your ROCD. And also being in a long distance relationship really pushes that because I think I have a lot of compassion for a lot of people who are in long distance relationships because I feel like sometimes that can be harder. 

Piera: You know Kiyomi, like, I feel that. I mean, this is not connected to a long distance relationship. Just from my experience to actually do this work, as you say, some people just don't do this. But to do this? You have to be humble. You have to recognize that your behavior, your patterns aren't working anymore. And if you still believe that. That they are other people's faults and it's not you. You probably are going to live your life alone because you are going to keep living, pushing other one, thinking that you are right, and I can see that because since I started doing my inner work with therapists and Awaken into love, you start looking around your family and my family never been into therapy and I see all the pain in my mom and my dad, their relationship and my brothers. I have another brother that is into religion, but I have another one that is almost 40 dealing with these same patterns that probably are coming from our parents, too, or whatever it is. But he's not that humble, like almost he deals with this masculine energy that I'm right, you know, so probably if you really want to get there, you have to throw that idea that people around you have to do the work or they are wrong. If this is for you, this is your own gift and this is an Awaken into Love work with a lot of compassion for yourself is key, because while you are loving yourself, you are going to be able to do this work. 

Kiyomi: I love that so much, and then we'll get into a long distance relationship after that because I feel like we have so much to say about long distance relationships. But my curiosity for you is if someone were to come up to you and say, Piera, like when you say, it's important for me to be humble. How do I do that? What would you say? Like, if someone were to ask you, like, you know, how do I be humble with ROCD when you're saying that it's really important, what would you say to them? 

Piera: Well, and that was something that for me was very hard because. I always believed like, why did my life become great, you know, how, why I'm going to do this? Like my partner is wrong. He is not good for me or whatever it is. But what was the reason why you started becoming humble? It was for love. Because I want to give it a chance. I felt this connection and I didn't want to lose this. But how will you start becoming humble? First is awareness of your behavior. That's the first step. The awareness is like, okay, this is my reaction, if I want to make this work, it doesn't matter what my partner is doing because this work is for me. And this is when you start bringing compassion, because this is one other thing that I learned a lot with AIR. With compassion, you give a space to transform. You bring flexibility to start changing your patterns because if you are constantly not in an aggressive or angry place that is not going to happen, you bring the awareness and compassion with yourself and be like, if it becomes easier to recognize that you are doing something wrong because nobody wants to recognize that you are making mistakes. And that's the hardest part. 

Kiyomi: I think the biggest piece to that, like you're saying, is that self accountability and self responsibility, which is like, Oh, this is coming from me and we get to this place where in the beginning, I feel there's so much blame to our partner, our partners, the one causing us to do this, our partners, the one making us feel this way, our partner, our partner, our partner. And then a big shift that happens when we do this work is, Oh, what does it mean that I'm responsible for what I am feeling, right? I'm not talking, of course, ever about like red flag issues or abuse or anything like that. But when there is that secure relationship, when we're start to become curious within ourself and we take that self responsibility. So it seems like it's almost that like self responsibility and self ownership connected with that humbleness. It's kinda where that starts. 

Piera: When you and Alexis mentioned that a lot in AIR that life is happening for me. So once you change that mindset of. OK. Because now I mean, you are constantly growing, even though you get through ROCD, you still are growing in your relationship. And lately with my partner, we are planning the wedding. So it's another challenge, right? And I had this awareness of like I'm constantly waiting for him to start doing things, and he's not doing these things. I'm like, Why are you not doing this? And a few days ago, I had this thought of why I'm always waiting for him to start doing something. Why I cannot just do it for the relationship because I want to be in this relationship, so the best thing that I can do for the relationship is just working for myself every day and the best thing that he can do in their relationship is working himself.

Kiyomi: I love that so much, just because it's so true. It's that self-responsibility piece and that self ownership piece. And it doesn't mean that when we're saying that self responsibility, your self ownership that we're not saying in any way, like don't have communication with your partner and speak about compromise and you speak about how you can both be better. You know, it's not something where it's like, Oh, everything is on me, everything is on me. But actually, when we start to change our perspective and our mindset and we go, I'm going to take self responsibility and ownership for myself and my happiness. There's this sense of empowerment that happens, right. We become more empowered and we don't go so much into this mindset that actually pushes us more down into obsessive thinking. So I'm curious, Piera, how you've been able to kind of translate this into your long distance relationship. I'm sure you were so different when you first started your long distance relationship. So what would you say is kind of the difference between now taking that self responsibility for yourself versus how you used to be in a long distance relationship? 

Piera: Yeah. So actually, I want to mention that we've been together for almost a year without seeing each other, we are in a long distance relationship that is connected with a fiancee visa for us to live in the United States, so we are in that process now. I will say that at first it will be easy for me to say now, OK, I'll give you some tips to deal with a long distance relationship that at some point I'm going to do that. But the first thing that actually held me to take responsibility for this relationship is that I made this decision to be here.

Kiyomi: Ooh, I love that you made this decision to be here. No one's forcing you to be there. No one's pushing you to be here. This is your choice. 

Piera: This is my choice and my choice means to married man that is coming from another country that for now to be together, we have to live this process, that is being in a long distance relationship. Also, when you are in your very high peak of ROCD, you are like, oh this is going to be like this forever because when you are in a long distance relationship, you're dealing with a lot of disconnection because you don't go with the flow of the relationship. Okay, let's go eat. Let's go travel. Let's go watch a movie. You are just stuck in a routine or just speaking with each other. Thanks to technology, we can talk via video call. But it's boring. And I'm going to be honest, it's boring. But this is a process that I'm willing to live with because I'm making this decision, and it's not going to define how our relationship is going to be in the future. 

Kiyomi: I love that so much. I feel like this is just a guess, and I don't know. But I feel like probably when you first started having ROCD, it wasn't a place of empowerment where you said, I choose, right? It's probably more like, this is happening to me, what's going on? I'm not choosing this. Maybe you're pushing me. 

Piera: No, I know. So my essence is to be just 100 percent honest with my partner, friends and you guys, and I used to be a girl who blames a lot, right? So I was like even blaming my partner, like, why are you from the United States? Why do we have to live like this? So I was, you know, coming from a very immature place. And I wasn't actually taking the responsibility of being like, okay, I want this, I'm gonna take charge of this relationship that I actually want. 

Kiyomi: Wow, wow, wow. I love that. So how do you feel about OCD? Like, what do you feel like shifted when you went from that choice of empowerment from going to this is your fault, you know, why did you have to be in a different country? How do you feel like that shifted your ROCD? Did you notice some changes to make that choice? 

Piera: I think that that was baby steps, because while you are doing this healing and this is the most amazing part for me because, OK, you are doing this work, you are taking care of your inner child. You are bringing wisdom, but also in your brain. Things are happening. So through that process, you can see little by little like, Wow, I wasn't thinking like this one month ago, but that just happened based on science, you know, and that's so powerful for me. 

Kiyomi: I love that. I think that's the thing that to like really emphasize for a lot of people, because I think there's sometimes this misconception where people go, if I'm doing the right thing, then it's going to change right now. I'm going to feel different right now. But just as you're saying, it's a long term thing, you know, you start to do the work, you probably made a conscious decision at one point and you said, "This isn't working for me anymore, I'm going to make a choice and I'm going to have empowerment." But it's not like the next day it was as easy, like, you're still leaning into that more and more. And that's something so important for all the listeners, because sometimes there is that misconception where it's like, if I have this wisdom filled thought like you did, then everything will be fine and I'll just get it. 

Piera: It takes time. It takes practice. And also this is why Awaken into Love has all these, you know, tools that are connecting to deal with your whole healing journey, you know, like being a lot of compassion because this is not going to be easy and especially we are anxious people. We are waiting for the results immediately. And that is not going to happen. It's gonna come, I promise. But you gotta be patient for that. You need this compassion.

Kiyomi: It's so true. How do you feel like society or people around you really kind of emphasizes maybe an awakened version of how you should feel in long distance relationships? Because I think that there's probably some beliefs that you probably picked up, like if I'm in a long distance relationship, I should feel so excited to see them every time I talk to them. Like, what are some things you would like to say to people out there who might have some beliefs about long distance relationships that are actually hurting them? 

Piera: Yeah, this is a very good question. So let's start with the beliefs that are, you know, social media because they used to be a very, very, very big trigger for me. So you have to be in constant communication all the time, every second. But also that I'm using that as actually committed for both of us. OK, we are in constant communication because we know that's a tool to keep their relationship stable while we are in this process, right? So it doesn't have to be like that but a big, big, big one for me is around sexual things and intimacy with your partner. 

Kiyomi: So what are some things that you feel are not good that you hear about how you should feel with sexuality and sex with long distance relationships? 

Piera: Yeah. So the first one in social media, I used to see a lot of videos about how to make work at a long distance relationship. So send pictures all the time, send some videos, have sex, phone, sex or all those things. But when you are in ROCD, you can even have intimacy or sex, not even in person. You can't do that. So how are you going to be able to actually do that through a phone when you know, it's more awkward. It's weird. Like you have to be in a good place to do that. So this is a very intimate thing for me to share. But I'm going to tell you with my fiancee, we made the decision that while this process, we are not going to put all our selves in to have phone sex or whatever that is connecting to sex because we are dealing in a heavy process right now. But. We made this decision together, and that also can be intimacy like we are making this decision, both of us, you know that we are fine with this period to deal with sex just in this way. Without you know, pictures or photos or whatever it is because our relationship is deeper than actually sex. It's such a commitment. 

Kiyomi: And I love that you said that it created more intimacy together when you both came together and decided what works for you. And I think that that's kind of the blessing of when we get triggered by different things on social media, it's like, Oh, they're doing that or they're doing that. I should do that when I think it's a really great invitation to ask yourself what works for you, what works for your relationship. And once I start to question what works for you and your relationship, you can create that together. And when you create that together, you're actually creating deeper intimacy with your partner because you're creating almost this world together that is intimate. That's not just about what everyone else is doing. So it can become a beautiful opportunity to say, Hey, like, yeah, I just don't feel really comfortable. Or maybe we can kind of do it this way, or we can be creative and you get to start to create different things within your relationship that feel good for you at certain times. You know, sometimes something else will feel good, something something else will feel good. And what I'm hearing is another sense of empowerment for you and your partner. 

Piera: Actually, I remember when I start Awaken into Love, one of the first masterclass that you made Kiyomi, was around sex and intimacy. And this is where I learned that intimacy is not just connected to sex. Intimacy is making decisions together. If we respect each other's space like my fiance said at that point that, OK, you are dealing with this, that you are not able to have sex. I'm not even a long distance, so I'll respect that and I'm here and that and also, he as a man can deal with anxiety too. And he's not allowed to do those things and I'm here to respect that and this is when we create more intimacy and this is just a process. And also, as you say, that question, on why do you see the media? And this was a big, big, big realization that I had when I was watching this video. So I was like, OK, this video is coming. It's posed by a person that is coming from their experience, their beliefs, how they see their life, how they have their relationships, so it's not my life. So this is why also Awaken into Love teaches you, it teaches you, okay, you can decide how you build this relationship based on what beliefs you want. 

Kiyomi: You get to create your own story. You have to create your own narrative. I love that so much. I also love how you emphasized on intimacy is just beyond just the sex. And I feel like that's so true, and I feel like that's also such a beautiful thing that you can start to cultivate when you're in a long distance relationship. Because there's not so much pressure on it just being purely sexual, it's almost like, Well, we can't have sex, we can't physically touch. So how are we going to create intimacy in another way? And it's almost like then you start to create your relationship in like a different foundation, not just based on sex, not just based on the physical components, but about respect, about communication. And I think that long distance relationships probably teach you as hard as long distance relationships are. And Alexis actually said this. I remember about long distance relationships, she said, long distance relationships, yes, they are harder. But the beauty about long distance relationships is that it actually encourages individuals to come deeper into their own wholeness and not rely so deeply on another person. And when we both come into our own wholeness together, then we can create something more empowering within our relationship. And I'm really seeing that and hearing that, like, I'm having different bells go off like, Oh, that makes sense. That makes sense. Just with the fact that when it's not just based on sex and sexuality, which maybe some relationships are, and that's OK, that's that's their life and whatever they want to create. But when you're trying to create something that's beyond that, that's about you Piera saying, hey, this is what feels good for me. And let's create that together. Then you really create this different foundation, which is really powerful for your relationship. 

Piera: Yeah, yeah. I love that Kiyomi. I love that so much because, okay, we are together physically, but we are at the same time working on ourselves, separate. And I trust and I build this trust that I know that once we are together again is gonna work like this. It's gonna be like, okay, this process that we lift, but also it's gonna be the key of our friendship in our relationship. So that's very powerful, but again, it took me time to get to this realization and this mindset of what I'm going through.

Kiyomi: It seems as though you've gone through such a journey within yourself where I just love this so much because you found the sense of empowerment within you and like a choice within you and moved from this victim aspect to more of an empowered sense which helped the ROCD to bring more compassion to question the beliefs about what other people said. And you say, now I'm going to create my story with my partner and have this relationship with my partner, and that's the most empowering thing that we can really do within, you know, all of our relationships. And it seems like the long distance aspect really pushed you to get to those places.

Piera: Yeah. And you know Kiyomi one day, like, I have this epiphany, when you actually fall in love, the first time a person you have this feeling of you met this person from another life, right? That's the type of feeling that you have. Oh, I met this person. Oh my God. And you feel so empowered like we can do everything together because love is a very empowering feeling like we are unstoppable. I love this person so much. I can do whatever I want with this person. But when that feeling kind of stops the infatuation, you come back to reality, right? And I have this epiphany that, OK, so if I had this feeling that I met this person in another life or whatever it is and now I'm in a neutral space, why don't we make this feeling come true in real life. Like why? Why don't we take our hands and just be together in the good and the bad and make us stronger, but in a real way, living both of us to get both of us together on this journey. But live it in reality because when you fall in love it is just an illusion, because you believe that you met this person that you gave through anything together. Again, let's make it real. 

Kiyomi: I think the really cool thing about that, too, that I always just think about is that the more a person suffers with someone together and this in friendship, this is in family, this is in deep relationship. The more a person suffers through something together and they conquer it together and there's more vulnerability, the deeper the love. So the deeper the connection. So I think that ROCD can be such an opportunity where we are, you are strong together. You are pushing together, you are pushing in this container of a relationship that then does create more of that connection and intimacy with your partner. So I think that it can really push people to be resilient, even though it's so hard, it can really bring people to get through something together. You know, like when Joel and I really, when I got through ROCD and he was walking alongside of me, it was like, Wow, we can get through anything together almost if we can get through that. You know, that's a different type of resilience. 

Piera: You make that feeling real because you have the evidence that you actually did it. Yeah. So I feel that through with my partner, we've been dealing with heavy stuff too, because, OK, we've been in this long distance relationship that but in March, when the pandemic started, I was visiting him and I wasn't expecting to coming from a long distance relationship to get stuck in quarantine. So we had the pandemic together, and this is when we were forced to know each other deeper. But now we are in a long distance relationship. We haven't seen each other in a year and we are in the uncertainty of what the answer is going to be coming from the government with the visa process. Also, we spoke about how he, my fiance lost his job, he started dealing with a career, you know, going through confusion. So this is also a good thing that I can give advice for women. When your partner is struggling too, because at least in South America, you always grow up with this idea that your partner has to be your rock like your partner is almost not allowed to to deal with mental health or show how weak they are or, you know, a struggle and confusion. And when I was seeing my very, very high ROCD, that was so triggering for me. Like, literally, I want to support him because this is who I am in my head. My anxiety was telling me, why are you doing this? Why? How are you going to deal with that? Because this is not coming from the belief that real love that you can support your partner, like he was doing with me with my ROCD. So I used to be in very, fixed mode. Like fixing mode, like constantly trying to fix what is wrong with you. Why are you doing this or sending him, you know, things to read to help him. But one day, I had this realization that if he's a human being like me and to heal my own ROCD, I need love and compassion in this space. Why don't I give him that too. He needs my support or my feminine energy in this case of compassion, to give him a space because this is when he's going to have, he's I don't know aha moments, awakenings. If I'm constantly trying to fix them, that is not going to happen. So if your partner is struggling? My biggest advice, even if you are trying, controlling everything, even how hard it is, I know this is very hard. The biggest key is bringing compassion and space. They will find their answer because that wisdom is inside of them. We don't have that wisdom to heal them. And also, they can heal us. We have to heal ourselves. But to support each other, that's the key. We are conscious about that, we can heal each other, but we can support each other. And this is when, again, you give a space to them to actually transform or grow or evolve. 

Kiyomi: It's so true. It's so beautiful. I feel like this is even just beyond ROCD. It's just relationship advice for any type of couple, for any type of partnership, which is so true where that controlling comes in and that nitpicking comes in because there's like a fear underneath or we feel in some way that we can have control or if we can fix the situation that everything will be OK. And then it really comes down to like the basis of that, that compassion again. Yeah, which is so true. So true, so beautiful. What I would love to do, Piera, is that we got a lot of questions from Instagram and it was all on long distance relationships. So I would love to just kind of go over some questions with you if you feel OK with that, just because there were so many people who just were curious about your wisdom in terms of being in a long distance relationship, and I feel like you have a lot to offer. So I'm just going to pick a couple of random questions. We got a lot. The first question I have is, do you think that long distance relationships can intensify ROCD? 

Piera: That is very like give me black and white thinking question, but it depends on the person because in the community, I know other people that are in a long distance relationship and the ROCD can be that high. And you know, there were ones that can be terrible you know and all bad. And I will say that, at least for me. Like we mentioned, like five minutes ago, when you are in a long distance relationship, you have this space to heal yourself like you are committed to this person, but you still are alone in your own time trying to deal with your own emotions, your own thoughts. So looking from that perspective for me can be a little bit easy to heal yourself. 

Kiyomi: Yeah, yeah, I love that you brought it also back to it just depends right. It's just that everyone is so, so, so different. And I think that that's the basis of ROCD work with Awaken Into Love is just that every person's story is different and we get to work with it no matter what. Another person's question is, how do you deal with people's negative opinions on long distance relationships? 

Piera: I love that question, and I hear you because I come from a culture where literally people say, Oh, if you are in a long distance relationship, happy before. Like because some other people cheat on you or you are doing your things and that can be so triggering, especially if you have trust issues like I did. And I still struggle a little bit, you know, it's hard to actually believe that a person that is on their own is going to be committed to themselves. And not like looking around or whatever it is. But I think that is connecting to your sense of empowerment that again, it takes time. Like, you can decide whatever you want to believe in the same thing with social media like that comment, that video. That post is coming from another person's reality, another person's beliefs. You don't know if that person who was making that comment, what trauma that person has. So one day there, we have these very empowering thoughts about what other people think about you and your partner and what was very empowering when you say Kiyomi, that what other people think about me or my partner or my relationship is an expression about what they actually think about themselves. So yeah, I think it's the same thing. If you have negative comments, little by little, we practice. You can get to the point that you ask if this is actually serving me. 

Kiyomi: Beautiful. I love that so much, I love that, and I can really teach us to come home to our own empowerment and truth too. Another question: how do you stay committed in a long distance relationship? 

Piera: Oh, yeah, I love that one, I think commitment is shown by actions every day actions like, for example, with my partner a we say every morning we send a text message of good morning, we speak every night, every night we video call, like to speak about our day, even that it can be very boring because sometimes you are just like, OK, whatever, I can deal with this or you are living still waiting for, in my case, that answer coming from the government, when I was going to have the answer and you show also a small, you know, actions that can bring a little bit of connection, like I do with my partner, is that we send a gratitude text message, like, hey baby today I'm grateful for. But one thing with this step, because when I started doing this, I was like, OK, we have to do this every morning. But at one point you are like, you don't have that much to say because you are so sweet. I'm grateful for you because you are the best person. I love you or I choose. Or whatever it is, but at some point you were like, OK, I don't have that much to say. So we cut that and we have just one day a week. You don't have to do that every day because at some point you get overwhelmed by, OK, I don't have anything else to say. So with one day it is enough, you can be okay, Wednesday is going to be the day of a gratitude text message. Also, we usually send a lot of you know me when I start taking action because I live in the United States, so I know his address where he lives and I know how everything works and I send gifts like, for example, our book or Uber Eats, a dinner, we sometimes connect like, Oh, I'm going to have dinner, okay, let me prepare something. We have dinner. So this is how small things that take, you know, a time, but the biggest one for me is actually to be committed to yourself because you can make these things. But it is the mindset that is going to take you to do these actions. 

Kiyomi: Beautiful, beautiful. It comes down to those actions for sure and being creative in those actions and then probably also creating something fun for you as a couple too. Like it not needing to look like other things, you know, and kind of working with that. OK, let's see. How do you prepare for transitions like deciding to get married or reuniting? The big question.

Piera: Yeah, big question. A transition is a topic that we did in AIR, but I feel that I'm every day having a routine that is like I'm living in a transition every second. You know, so I meditate every morning even if I'm transitioning or not. So I know when I made the decision to actually marry Bobby, I was in a place where I created a whole routine for my mind to deal with with heavy stuff or big commitments. You know, so I don't actually have a right answer to tell you, OK, this is how I prepare myself, Oh, I'm moving tomorrow, so I'm going to do this x y and z the day before. No, I just live my life in a lifestyle that is connected to always take care of my spirituality. Because if I do that every day, even if I'm transitioning or not, I'll be prepared to take care of whatever it is. 

Kiyomi: Beautiful. I love that so much because that's so true. Transitions bring up feelings of uncertainty. But if you have something that is certain for yourself, like taking care of yourself and having that routine then that makes transitions extremely a lot easier doesn't mean that it's not hard. But it definitely makes people feel more secure in their nervous system, which makes them create more grounded decisions. And they're able to kind of use both sides of the brain in order for them to kind of step into that. 

Piera: I want to clarify before ROCD hit me, I was not aiming to exercise, meditation. I was a sugar addict, You know, that's the worst for your anxiety, but while you are healing your ROCD, you start noticing, OK, if I have, I don't know this glass of soda and this water, I really want to feel better with myself. I'm going to drink water. And same with meditation. Now I cannot leave without meditating like I do every morning. I have to do that because it's the first thing that I do to start my day and then you create the habit of it. And it comes just part of your life. 

Kiyomi: Beautiful. The great thing about the brain is that the more we do something, the easier it gets. You know, even if it's a hard habit at first. Alright, have you ever created fake scenarios when you were in a long distance relationship? 

Piera: All the time, but not now. Not now. But before, yeah. But also I want to empathize with this question because it's something that can happen, you know, because especially if you have trust issues that I mean, fake scenarios that about what if your partner is cheating on you, he's with other person, especially that I'm coming from, I had so much trauma that is connecting with partners cheating on me. My dad also had a big, big, big story that is connected to that, but that is about how you speak about your once with your partner. How will you show it to your partner? You know what? I'm having trust issues or creating fake scenarios about whether you are doing X, Y and Z. Can you help me? OK, I'm healing myself, but I would like you to be a little bit, I don't know, more present or more open with me about maybe, you know what? For example, my partner is going to listen to this, so he knows that I deal with trust issues and he wants to help me, so every time that he goes out, I don't want to stop him from doing things with his friends, right? That's a good thing for him. So every time that he goes out, he's like, Hey, baby, I'm here with X, Y and Z, and then, Oh, OK, have fun. And then when he comes back, even though I’m sleeping and it's 4:00a.m., he's like, Hey, I just came, I just came by. I hope you have a great night. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye. It's the intention that the person is putting there to actually, you know what? I know she has these trust issues, and I want to make sure that she's trusting me because I'm doing these things. These daily actions are so, so, so small. And I'm pretty sure if your partner, this can sound a little bit triggering. But if your partner actually wants to connect with that, you will do that because that is a relationship that is when actually Kiyomi speaks about growth, commitment, you do those things. 

Kiyomi: Yeah, I think a really big part of this, too, is that we're not saying that our partner, there's if there's a huge difference between, Oh my god, you know, please partner, take away my anxiety and convince me and reassure me over and over that you're not cheating on me. That's our responsibility. But what they do is they can create a little bit more of an easier environment for us, like a more secure container. And they can say, Hey, I'm just going to communicate with you right now, I'm leaving, but then it's our responsibility to do that work for us better. And that's kind of that takeaway, which is what I'm hearing as our partner can definitely make it a little bit easier for us. But there's a difference between reassuring and for us to make sure that or for us to try to make our partner take away our anxiety, which they can't. It's not their responsibility versus them just giving us more of a loving container for us to succeed better. 

Piera: Yeah. Yeah, that's very, very, very true Kiyomi. And I send so much love for that. People who struggle with trust issues is hard and especially in the world that we live right now where you have like, you can feel this pain, that feeling that you are not enough, where you have so many options that your partner's belief can change you for all their person or whatever it is, I feel you. I feel you and I've been there. It's hard. But as Kiyomi says, your partner can cheat on you when you are creating fake scenarios or not. So the fake escenario in your head, it's not going to change anything. It's just going to bring more anxiety. 

Kiyomi: It's so true, it's so true, it's definitely one that people can go into reassurance with too, to go into those images. We'll do just a couple more. How can you do some work with exposures when your partner is not around? 

Piera: You can still do that through camera, like, for example. Depends on the type of exposure. Because, for example, for me, everything can be exposure or more like if your partner makes that comment that whatever you agreed or not, instead of finding compulsion or whatever is to make you feel safe. You just leave the feeling there and deal with it. So I know your partner's not around, but maybe you can deal. I don't know like attraction. How attractive is your partner? Or he's not as smart or funny enough. You still can deal with that. You know things through the camera. I did. I did a lot of exposure with that.

Kiyomi: I think people don't sometimes realize that by leaning in, that is exposure work 

Piera: Yeah. 

Kiyomi: By not going into compulsion that it already is exposure work. I love that so much. Let me see what else is here. Let's see how to not expect too much from your partner and balance? Will kind of end with that question. 

Piera: That's a hard thing to do, because we all, as a human, live in expectations. We all have these big, big, big expectations about your parents, your partner, especially your partner. But one thing for me that actually made me kind of slow down, you can say this expectation is just a start realizing that my partner is a human being like me. So when he actually decided to take this step on this journey to heal my ROCD next to me. That wasn't his responsibility. He chose to do that, too. Like, I'm choosing to be with him in his good and his bad. So when he started dealing, you know, we I don't know, fear issues or also anxiety, OK, it's a bad thing, right? We all know. And it also helped me to see him as a human being. He's also a human and this is what happened, we started mirroring each other. We start feeling like, OK, you are dealing with this and I'm good at that and you are dealing with this and I'm good at that. We can kind of heal. I mean, I don't know how to say this because we can heal each other because that's my word. But having each other's image and seeing his journey can also help me to heal myself. 

Kiyomi: It's so true people are mirrors, right? So every person in front of us is a mirror, but the biggest mirrors, our most intimate relationships. And so whatever we don't like about ourselves, whatever we are loving about ourselves, whatever they show to us and we love about ourselves is replicated. So it's almost like whatever we heal within, they then start to heal if they choose and vice versa. And that's one of the most beautiful things I think about our relationship, where it really forces us to awaken and to grow if we choose and if our partner chooses too. I love that so much. I love that so much. 

Piera: Yeah, yeah. And so are you saying the podcast with Joel? And also, you mentioned this in our ROCD class, how the partner start feeling inspired by, so you can feel inspired whatever your partner can feel inspired by you and you keep feeling inspired by your partner because I feel it in the same way when I started looking at him just as a human being, with his flaws, with his fears, with, you know, his confusions and I'm like, he's every day committed to make it work and become a better person. 

Kiyomi: So beautiful, and then we kind of start to replicate and do the same, too, which is so incredible.

Piera: That is most, the one of the biggest expressions of love that you can experience. 

Kiyomi: I agree. So good. Oh, Piera, well, thank you so much for coming on to today's podcast. Thank you so much for your wisdom and for everything, and for speaking about long distance relationships. But then also just about the realness of being in an intimate relationship and using the growth and the challenges and the challenges of long distance relationships to awaken and to heal. So thank you so much, Piera. Thank you. 

Piera: Thank you. Thank you. Now, I just want to say thank you Kiyomi, not just for this podcast. Thank you for just being you and exist in this work and help people. Because you are doing this, I guess, for everyone who is dealing with anxiety. So people from Chile and for everyone around the world, Kiyomi is the one. 

Kiyomi: Oh, thank you Piera. Thank you so much. Thank you everyone for listening. Thank you, Piera. I appreciate you so much. Thank you for being here. 

Piera: Thank you.