20 Truths I Wish Someone Told Me about ROCD/Anxiety

I really wanted to give you really 20 truths that I wish I knew when I had ROCD, that I wish someone told me that I wish that I could go back into my past self and say, "Hey, love, these are truths that I want to tell you and I want you to hold on to it.".

The last couple of weeks for me have been a little bit challenging. As many of you know, on Instagram, we found out that our sweet dog Kai has recently been diagnosed with cancer and only has a short period to live. Many of you know, I've been going through just kind of this emotional rollercoaster of this grieving process. And many of you know that I'm very, very close to my dog, Kai, and I've kind of been taking this time to really take care of myself, to come inward, to really practice what I preach at Awaken into Love. I really want to embody what I teach, what we teach at Awaken into Love, which is really the act of self-love and self care. It's about turning inward. It's about understanding what it is to be human and bringing so much compassion and love to that in order for us to deepen our human experience into deeper amounts of freedom and love within ourselves and also in our partnership. So I've been kind of just taking this time within the last couple of weeks to just kind of come inward and grieve and introspect on my life and kind of think even about the dying and grieving process, which is actually just so very part of being human and so very part of being an animal and what that means and kind of creating this outer sanctuary for myself that feels grounding and that feels even loving for myself and also for Kai and also for Joel as well.

So within the last couple weeks, as I've kind of been going through this process of what it means to let go of something I love so dearly and just contemplating on life and also on death. I noticed myself looking through my cabinets and looking through old photos of my dad who passed over 10 years ago, and just introspecting on this grieving process. And as I was looking in the cabinet, I stumbled upon a really old journal of mine. And if you can see in the beginning of the journal, you see that there are pages ripped out of the journal. And the reason as to why is because this was the period when I was struggling the most with ROCD. Many of you have listened to my personal journey, which if you haven't listened to, feel free to listen to that YouTube video. But 2013 was really the most debilitating year for me when I experienced ROCD and I just felt so confused. I didn't understand what was going on. I was going through a lot of transitions and I just felt so much shame and so much guilt. And I really recognized two things as I was reading the journal entry. One, I was really surprised. I was really surprised at how debilitated I was. I mean, I knew that I was really, really suffering. And I know that I was going through such an intense period in my life. But it's almost as though when we go through this awakening healing process, especially over 10 years after it's happened, it seems as though the mind and body doesn't necessarily remember all of the details. And so it was really interesting for me to see that. And it might be really shocking for some of you to know that in the future, even though you might be at a really debilitated, difficult state right now, it doesn't mean that your life is going to look like this for the rest of your life or you're going to constantly be remembering ROCD or the anxiety or the debilitation that you experience. Because I don't. I look at these journal entries and I'm just in complete shock at, you know, looking at all of these lists that show these compulsions and me going into anxiety and writing down how many hours I spend on obsessively thinking and going into checking these compulsions. And that's really the power of the brain in the body, which is that we can go through so much intensity, we can go through so much debilitation and suffering. But the body has this ability to persevere. It has this ability to move forward. It doesn't mean that it doesn't get traumatized by things and it forgets everything. But the brain and body really has this incredible ability to really move forward, to take the suffering and see its wisdom from it and allow it to teach us instead of to diminish us instead of to disempower us. And that's really something that I really got with reading these journal entries. 

The other thing that I really felt was just this overwhelming compassion and love for my younger self and kind of this feeling where I wanted so badly to almost go back into the past and sit down with my younger self and tell her these truths that I know all of you are going to experience or are experiencing or have experienced about ROCD, about anxiety, but really about the suffering of life that I knew would help her. It's almost like I was reading these things here and they're like thoughts of thoughts and these feelings will pass. But I didn't really know how to embody it because I was just so stuck in my suffering. And with that, I really wanted to just take this video and tell you if you're in debilitating ROCD or maybe you just have ROCD here and there, maybe you're just suffering. It doesn't matter. You're just human. And I know that these are going to help you, but I really wanted to give you really 20 truths that I wish I knew when I had ROCD, that I wish someone told me that I wish that I could go back into my past self and say, "Hey, love, these are truths that I want to tell you and I want you to hold on to it, because these truths are going to help you not only now, but for the rest of your life.". 

So within the next couple of minutes, I'm going to tell you 20 truths that I feel are going to be so important for you to know that I know are going to not only help your present self, but are going to help your future self when you look back and become so proud of who you've become. And you thank yourself for having done the work of doing this awakening and coming into deeper freedom of ROCD. 

Truth number one, you are not your thoughts or your feelings, nor are your beliefs. When I first heard the statement, I was in obsessive thinking. So the statement itself brought me a lot of anxiety and it started to get me to kind of question the existence of life and my own existence so I can understand how this specific statement can cause a little bit more anxiety. But hear me out, because the statement is also very, very powerful. If we are not our thoughts and if we are not our feelings, then that means that are intrusive thoughts about our partner. Our intrusive thoughts about our relationship aren't us. They don't define us. And neither are the feelings of fear, of discomfort, of anxiety, of sadness or even anger or confusion. None of those feelings and emotions are us. Many of you who meditate can really understand this concept, because when you start to go into meditation, when you start to bring in the practice of mindfulness, which is extremely powerful, you start to recognize that you are actually separate from your feelings and you are separate from your thoughts. So who are you? You are the awareness. You are the observer to the thoughts and the feelings. When we become so enmeshed in our thoughts and we become so enmeshed in our feelings, we mistake ourselves for them. We mistake ourselves for being ROCD. We mistake ourselves for being anxious in the thoughts that we experience. Instead of recognizing that we are experiencing them, we are not them. 

When we have this recognition, we start to recognize that we are separate from our emotions. Our thoughts and feelings come in. The fear is there, but I am not fear. The anxiety is there, but I am not anxiety. So who am I? I am the observer. I am the awareness, watching the experience, but it is not who I am. So if you take this a little bit further, it basically means that your intrusive thoughts or the intrusive thoughts that you experience are not you. They don't define you and they don't define your relationship.

 You are completely separate from the thoughts and the feelings that you experience. And the first step to ROCD work and anxiety work is to recognize our separation is to recognize that we are separate, to recognize that we have seventy thousand thoughts every single day. And a lot of them, when we have ROCD, are about our partner and about our relationship. But we can recognize that we are not the thoughts coming in. We are not the feelings coming in, but we are the observer. We are witnessing all that is happening.

 Truth number two, the infinite power of choice. Many of you, as you start to do this work, hear the term love is a choice. You choose your partner. But when you really start to understand that there's this empowerment that awakens within you, that allows you to pull you forward into this greater sense of freedom in peace. We start to believe that we are the creators of our story. We get to decide. We get to choose our relationship. We get to choose our partner. We get to choose to change our perspective. Now, I know some of you are triggered when you hear love is a choice because the obsessive thought comes in and says, well, what if I don't choose my partner? And when whatever that obsessive thought comes in, we fail to recognize that we still have that choice of what if I can't choose my partner? What if I don't choose my partner really comes down to the fear of not being able to have control. So when we go into this distortion, we fail to recognize that no matter what, we still have a choice. And the choice and the power of choice is so infinite. And it's going to take you so far. Remember that when the obsessive thinking is there, when the thoughts are there, when the feelings are there, you ultimately have the choice to change your perspective, to reframe your distortions, to come into a greater place of healing and empowerment for yourself within your relationship. So lean in to the power of choice and know that it is going to help you. 

Truth number three, everyone's path of healing and awakening is going to look different. And if someone looks more advanced or more awakened than you, then you are most likely in some sort of distortion because everyone's journey is different, not better or worse, not greater or less than just different. And that's okay. Understand that we all have different trauma. We've all started this work at different times in our life. We all have different distortions and protective mechanisms. And just because someone looks more ahead doesn't necessarily mean that they are. So focused on yourself. Focus on your healing and know that you are right where you meant to be. Focus on creating more of a secure nervous system and let go of healed or not a better or worse, of awakened or unawakened, because what matters is you building more of a secure nervous system in order for you to hold the existence of just being human and moving through the awakening journey knowing that you are right where you're meant to be. 

Truth number four, what you resist persists. So the more you resist your obsessive thoughts, the more you resist this experience of being human. The more you resist the emotions and the feelings, the more the feelings and the more the thoughts are going to persist. We talk a lot about this in the level I ROCD course. Now, this is just how the body and how science works. So the more you push something away, the more it's going to come up greater. So it's important for you to understand that resisting doesn't work. So we need to take a different route, which is starting to actually come more into a state of acceptance and compassion and lean in instead of trying to push something away.

 Which leads us into truth number five, the true path of healing and awakening is through radical compassion. It is starting to befriend and be with what is here. Now, this is much easier said than done, which is why we take you through the whole course of really understanding what radical compassion means and guide you in a way to really help you and support your nervous system. But true radical compassion is bringing acceptance to what is here, is trying to befriend our emotion is to start to become present, to become observant, to become aware with what is here. And instead of resisting or pushing away, we start to befriend it. We start to bring love and acceptance to what is here in order for it to transform and integrate into freedom. 

Truth number six, you cannot get out the way that you came in. What does that mean? You cannot get out of obsessive thinking by obsessively thinking. So we go into obsessive thinking because we believe that we can try to fix something if we can escape our body and what is here and go into the mind and analyze the situation and we can somehow figure out what's going on and find our way out of it. The truth is that in order for us to find a way out of obsessive thinking, we need to take a different route, which is not through obsessive thinking. So just keep that in mind. You cannot find your answers or what you're looking for through obsessive thinking and analyzing. 

Truth number seven, and this is something so important, our brains are constantly scanning our environment to make sure that we are safe and that we're not going to die. So the reptilian brain is there to protect us. So think about ROCD as the super, hyper hyperactive, overprotective parent. It believes that it's helping us, but ultimately, it's really not. It's actually hurting us. Obsessive thinking and anxiety is doing that exact thing. It thinks that it is protecting us by obsessively thinking. But in reality, it's causing more obsessive thinking, which is causing us to become more disconnected. Now, understand that this is all a protective mechanism. It happened when we were younger and we started to go into this obsessive thinking in order to survive. But the truth now is that we most likely don't need to go into obsessive thinking anymore. But understanding that ROCD isn't there to hurt you, but is most likely just there because it's trying to protect you but overprotect you in a way that's hurting you and your relationship, is a really good way to reframe what's going on with your experience so you can bring more compassion and love to yourself. And know that no, your brain and body isn't trying to hurt you, it's actually trying to keep you in survival, but it doesn't need to do that anymore. 

Truth number eight, the power of love is beyond feeling. It's actually something that is indescribable. Love is a force beyond you. It is actually already outside of you and it is instilled within you. So to mistake love is just a feeling is just mistaking it as the oxytocin and serotonin and dopamine that we experience. But love is beyond that. It transcends that. It's something that the brain can't really grasp and it's something that the brain can't really try to describe. So see if you can try not to describe love because it's beyond something that you can even describe to yourself and also to another. But it's a force that is powerful and it is the force that will heal us, heal others and heal the planet.

 Truth number nine, you're going to go through periods where you feel like you're losing yourself, where you feel like you don't really know who you are, you can't trust yourself. There's going to be a part of you that yearns for who you used to be. This is a natural process in coming into a deeper form of awakening. We are starting to gain a deeper form of trust, whereas before you most likely used your feelings and your thoughts to navigate your life, which is more survival based, it's more superficial, but now it's time to lean into a deeper form of wisdom, which is going to guide you for the rest of your life. And this wisdom is something that needs to be built. It needs to be built first by losing a little bit of trust in yourself and letting go of old identities and parts of yourself that are no longer serving you. So some of you have talked about how you wish you could go back to the Honeywood phase or you could wish that you could go back to parts within yourself before the ROCD. Let me tell you this. You're not going to want to because the part of you that is coming is going to be more awakened and stronger and it's going to feel a lot more peaceful than the person that you used to be. And that's okay. But in order for us to get to that period, we do go through this process of feeling lost, feeling confused and feeling like we can't trust ourselves in order to slowly gain that trust that is going to be deeper and more filled with wisdom, peace and understanding. 

Truth number ten, I understand that urgency is a trauma response. Trauma triggers, triggers, not truth. Understand that when we're in a state of urgency and we feel like we need to leave now, we need to get out now because we are in a fight or flight response, which is usually based on trauma. Understanding that a state of urgency and compulsion is based in that coping mechanism can help us and it can help us recognize that what we have in front of us is not something that we need to constantly be running away from and recognizing that a state of urgency usually means that we are in some sort of a distortion. 

Truth number eleven, in order to heal, we must slowly titrate our way into leaning in, not pulling out. This is really similar to the truth that is all about resistance and what you resist persists in order for you to go through healing, you need to start to go into feeling. You need to start going into the body and start to be with what is here. This is the basis and whole part of what exposure work is. Exposure work means that we lean in and we go into what is uncomfortable instead of pulling out. Now, it's really important at Awaken into Love, to know that we really believe in titration because we're working with trauma and attachment styles. So being gentle with yourself and bringing in radical compassion is really important when you're leaning into discomfort or else it can be aggressive and can sometimes be even more retraumatizing. But know that exposure work is a big part of OCD and ROCD work. So leaning in and moving into discomfort, even though our body tells us not to, is a huge part of this work and a huge part of finding freedom. 

Truth number twelve, there is no right or wrong method. There are just hundreds of methods to be able to help you in your own holistic form of healing and awakening. Yes, we do recommend ERP. Yes, we do recommend CBT and mindfulness, but there are also hundreds of other methods that can help you in your own healing. With ROCD and just being human, we believe strongly in the idea of therapy with attachment work. We believe strongly in trauma work. We believe strongly in yoga therapy, in mindfulness work and meditation. We also believe strongly in energy work and even past life work. Everything is meant to bring about healing for you. There doesn't have to be one way. And if there's a way that works for you, that's what matters. Understand that you are a complex human being, and not only one method is created for the world. That's why there are so many methods throughout the world. So if you're triggered by this concept that you need to do just one method, understand that there are so many methods that can help you in the greatest way possible and know that you don't have to just pick one in order to find your healing, that different methods can help you in different ways of just being human and finding freedom from the suffering that you are experiencing. 

Truth number thirteen, your past and your childhood and your adolescent years are the foundation for your life and how you see your relationship the way that you were with your parents, the way that you were with your caregivers, with your father and with your mother, with whoever raised you is a representation of how you view your world. Understand trauma, understand projection. The way that you are projecting onto your partner is most likely something within yourself that you are trying to change, something within yourself that you don't like, something within yourself that your parents told you was wrong or not okay about you. It's a way for you to work around and protect yourself and your trauma. Understanding your childhood can be so imperative when working with ROCD. But this is something really important that I want to add. Make sure that when you're working with trauma, you're working with a therapist or something like who can really help you through this and make sure that you're not using your childhood and your past experiences as a way to compulsively fix what is going on. There is no need to do that. Just work with the present moment and what is happening. But just understand that we see our relationship through the lens of our past and we project through what is going on inside that we want to fix that feels so unforgivable about ourselves. 

Truth number fourteen, guess what? It is your birthright to heal. It is your birthright to awaken. No, you are not exempt from this. Everyone has the ability to heal. Everyone has the ability to awaken. That doesn't mean that you're not going to go in screaming and feeling so uncomfortable and feeling like you are dying, but you have the ability to heal. It is within you. It doesn't mean it's not going to be hard, doesn't mean it's not going to be the hardest thing ever. It doesn't mean that your body sometimes will resist telling you that you were doing the wrong thing. But you have the ability, you always have the ability to heal and to awaken.

Truth number fifteen, when you're going through the process of awakening with ROCD, at times you're going to feel as though you're going against every cell of your being except maybe one cell. So it's really important to lean on your values because your feelings and thoughts are not going to take you to where you want to be, lean on your values and allow your values to be the light at the end of the tunnel guiding you through your awakening. 

Truth number sixteen, the ultimate fear underneath all of the thoughts, underneath all of the coping mechanisms and underneath all of the compulsions is the fear of losing control to the fear of losing your partner, to the fear of being abandoned by your partner. It's ultimately the fear of loss, the deep fear of losing what you care about most and being abandoned by the person that you care about most.

Truth number seventeen, you will never have the 100% certainty that you were craving. But here's the good news. As you go through the awakening process, you will learn to let go of needing 100% certainty because you will feel much more secure in your body and your nervous system to the point where you lean on to your wholeness, knowing that you are there for yourself and that you actually don't need the 100% certainty that you are craving. 

Truth number eighteen, you will sometimes feel lonely and you will sometimes feel isolated. Doesn't mean that you're doing the wrong thing. But it's really important for you to find a community and a community of people who really understand what you're going through. And if you can't find a good therapist, keep searching. Don't settle for a therapist who doesn't understand. Don't settle for a therapist who keeps telling you that maybe you're on the wrong relationship. Find the community of people who understand ROCD and are going to uplift you because this path is courageous. It is only for the brave. And a lot of people don't take it. And you are brave for taking this route. So find people who understand and find people who are going to uplift you. Know that a lot of family members and friends won't understand. And that's what's going to feel lonely. But it doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong. Just find the people who get you and find the people who uplift you. You're not alone because they are there. 

Truth number nineteen, this is painful and this is hard. This is so difficult because ultimately you're going through one of the greatest transformations and awakening of your life. Yes, at times you might want to give up. Yes, at times you might want to throw your hands up in the air and just say, I'm so done, I'm so over it. But know that this is difficult. Know that this is challenging because it is helping you. In the long run, you are going through a deep, deep, deep transformation. You are awakening and it's painful because you are expanding, because you are changing, because you are transforming into someone that you're going to be so, so, so very proud of. Each layer is difficult, not because it's there to punish you, but because it's bringing you to a greater form of awakening and love that you didn't realize was possible. 

Truth number twenty, your future self is going to be so proud of you. In fact, I hope that you take a moment in the next couple of moments to just close your eyes, place your hand in your heart and be proud of yourself. Be proud of your courageousness. Be proud of your bravery. Be proud of your strength and your resilience, because you are so, so, so courageous. You are so brave. And in the future, your future self is going to look back and say, I'm so glad I stayed. I'm so glad I pushed through. I'm so glad I can look at myself with compassion, love and all. And I've gained wisdom and self trust that I didn't know was possible. I didn't know that I could transform to this level of my life.

Your future self. I promise you, it's going to be so, so, so proud of you.