"How Do I Rekindle Feelings of Being In Love?", "How Do I Stop The Thoughts?" & More... Q&A (ROCD)

It's really, really nice to be here. I feel like it's been a while since I did this heart to heart with the camera, with you. The last couple months I've been adding a lot of podcast interviews and a lot of things from the ROCD course level one and a lot of master classes, because I have a feeling that or I had a feeling that those would be really helpful for you as well. But I missed sitting here and speaking to you, and I'm really excited today to help you deeper with any struggle you are experiencing with ROCD, with the obsessions, with compulsions, with anxiety, with thoughts that feel so shameful within yourself about your relationship, about your life. And as always, with Awaken into Love, we're here to help empower you to show you how you can use your struggles, your difficulties, your doubts and your suffering as a way to help you awaken, as a way to empower you, not only yourself, but also your relationship and the world. So every Monday on the Instagram community @withawakenintolove on Instagram, we do ask anything Monday. So that's an opportunity for you to ask us any questions that you may have about ROCD. And within the ROCD course and community level one, every Thursday we do lives. Alexis and I do lives to be able to help you with any questions that you may have.

 But today I decided to sit down and speak to you about the questions that you may be having, but answer them in a very empowering and helpful way that one does not feed into any compulsion or reassurance, but is answered in a way to help empower you, to help you with your ROCD, to get to really the core of your question and what you are really asking us. So I'm really excited to be doing this today. I did a video about six months ago answering all of your questions from Ask Anything Monday, you can find that here. But today we're taking you step by step. So if you're really wanting to understand ROCD, if you're really wanting to start doing the work, this video is a great way to start without diving into the ROCD Course community or going into level two of our program, which is the AIR program. So, again, I've picked five different questions. And if any of these questions resonate with you, if you feel like you've been there, we feel like you're experiencing that, comment down YANA down below "You're Not Alone" or give the video a thumbs up to show other people that they're not alone with their own struggles with ROCD and that we're all in this together. We are here together and you are not alone in your journey. Just to be fair, we do get about hundreds of questions asked every Monday in the Instagram community. And I usually just pick a couple of them randomly here and there. But these I specifically picked because these are questions that come up a lot. And I really want to help dive into the question with you to be able for you to understand what you're really asking. 

So the first question I'm going to go over is this question that was asked was "How to cope with false memory ROCD?" The first thing that I want to say with false memory ROCD, is that not everyone experiences false memories. And that's okay. Again, these questions may resonate with you. Some of them may not, take what's important for you and leave the rest. And I hope that you do that for everything else in your life or you continue to move toward that direction. If something in your life or something that you see, whether it's an article or a video or an Instagram post or anything on social media, doesn't resonate with you. And it doesn't sit with you in a way where you want to use that to empower you or take that into your life. And you can disregard that. You always, always have the choice, no matter what you read or see. So this is my invitation for you. So whatever you hear today, you can use it or you can decide to not use it in your own journey. 

Now, false memories are something that can happen with ROCD. And it's a phenomenon where someone believes that they did something wrong in the past. They obsess about that specific memory that could have or could have not happened, although this person is wanting a hundred percent certainty that one, it didn't happen or if it did happen, that they didn't do anything wrong. So the big emotion that comes up with false memory OCD is really the shame and the guilt that is fueled when they think about having done something wrong. It's really this inner child, part of them that feels as though they need some sort of reassurance to make sure that they are not wrong, that they are not bad and they are still loved and worthy. So that's what we're really going after with this specific question. Whenever we're working with false memory, we're working with a lot of different components. But the biggest one is the inner child or this fearful part of a person believing that if they did something wrong, then they should tell their partner, which can become a compulsion, asking for reassurance over and over. Did I do something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? I need to confess this with you. Do you still love me? And continually asking for reassurance in order to feed the ROCD. Now, as you may know, with all the videos and the work that you might be doing with ROCD, reassurance does not work. You're basically putting a Band-Aid on an issue that's going to come back over and over again. You're basically feeding a cycle of obsessive thinking if you're continually seeking reassurance. What you are actually really wanting in the situation with false memory is, again, to know that you are still loved and that you and your body are still safe, acceptable and so worthy even if you did do the memory or didn't do this event or not. So we're not trying to go into this past or the false memory or a specific event to try to figure out if you really did it or not. It's really about recognizing the pattern that comes up, the obsessions that come up that say you did something wrong. There's something that you did in the past that was right. You need to confess it with your partner. And if you did it, maybe you're a bad person. We need to first start recognizing the pattern and how you may get into the stuck loop of trying to figure out this certainty if you did it or not. Now, the second step is really working with the emotions that are underneath. Usually guilt comes up and guilt can mistakenly make us believe that we did something wrong. So we work on detaching ourselves from the emotion, knowing that it's not us, and recognizing that even if guilt and shame comes up, it doesn't mean that you are not worthy or you did anything wrong. Now, the third step is a really interesting and important step, which is why I actually love and find reassurance seeking fascinating, because when you're looking for reassurance from someone else, what you're really looking for is your own wisdom and your own compassion, validating that you are OK, that you are loved, that you are worthy, that you are enough no matter what you could have done or didn't do or did do. It's really the part of our brain that is seeking our parents approval back in the day to make sure that we are safe, that we are loved and that we are OK. So if you're working with the false memory, especially with ROCD, again, recognize it as that pattern, you are one believing that the guilt and shame is telling you that you are bad. Start to separate yourself from the emotion. As you probably know, with ROCD work and a lot of work with mental health and just being human, we are not our emotions. We are not our thoughts. So being able to have a meditation practice or mindfulness practice and starting to separate the emotions doesn't mean we run away from them or escape. We actually feel them starting to separate the emotions, recognizing that they're not us and that the body is going to bring up emotions, even though there's nothing to really do with ourselves and who we are inherently, and that we are loved and worthy no matter what is a big key piece to working with false memories. 

The other thing I want to say about false memories, which is super interesting to me, is how the brain works. Now, there's a lot of science about the brain, which really I just find super, super interesting. There's a lot of science within the brain, a lot of scientists that have actually done a lot of research about the fact that the more and more we think about the past, the more we start to distort the past and what has happened. So there's no actual tangible way to really understand or see an event, especially if we continue to obsess about it, because the more and more we obsess about it and the more we go into that memory, the more we actually start to distort a memory and create something false. So I find that really fascinating about the brain and false memories, because the more you're obsessing, the more you're distorting a memory really shows that trying to find that certainty and trying to find if you really did it or not and obsessing distorts the memory itself. So we can start to really recognize that pattern. Again, a really important thing with false memory and really want to emphasize is the work of knowing that you are enough and you are loved no matter what. Again, partners' work can be incredible with this, but not in a reassurance way. So really bringing your emotions to your partner, not necessarily the thoughts of like, "Oh my God, I might have done this. This event might have come up." But even saying "I'm feeling really scared and I'm feeling really fearful and these emotions are coming up, can you please hold me or can you please just be with me?" And that mirroring of that partner bringing in that sense of physical support or even that emotional support of saying, "I am there, you are loved" actually starts to heal that inner child and the wounding underneath. That's actually really, really craving for that sense of love and security. 

Now, the second question I'm going to go into is ``How to rekindle feelings of being in love when they are absent?". So I'm going to break this down in a couple of different ways. The first is the understanding that we are working with someone with ROCD and we're working with the obsessions and compulsions that can come forward of someone continually needing to feel the feelings of feeling in love or infatuated in order to feel safe. So I'm just going to say that again, whenever you are obsessively chasing after the feelings of being in love or pleasurable feelings or feelings of attachment and intimacy, what you're really looking for is a sense of safety. So this is with every type of compulsion that you're working with. Whether it's comparing yourself to another relationship and feeling that temporarily; what your body is actually looking for is a sense of safety, which is why you keep going into a compulsion. So whenever you're chasing after a feeling, whenever you're looking for the feelings of infatuation or feeling of a high or a feeling of attachment, you're training your brain that it is not okay to feel an absence of those feelings. So you're continually training yourself that in order for you to feel safe, in order for you to be in this relationship, you must have those feelings, which is why you continually attach yourself to needing to feel infatuation. So I'm just going to break this down a little bit more simple. With ROCD and when we're working with feelings, we're not actually trying to bring up feelings of intimacy or feelings of feeling good or feelings of infatuation. We're working with ROCD. We're actually meeting to train ourselves, to be okay with not feeling anything. To be okay with feeling discomfort, to be okay with feeling disconnected, to be okay with not feeling the feelings of infatuation, and to be okay  with the feelings of anxiety and fear that can come up when our brain tells us that we need to feel a certain feeling or else we need to leave our relationship. So it's very opposite from what the brain and the body intuitively feels it needs to do. There is an instinct within the body that says "I need to feel a certain way or I need to feel good", because, one, we've been trained in society, we've been brainwashed in society, that in order to be in a relationship, we need to feel these feelings. And two, we've attached so much to believing that relationships are feelings that when they're gone, we go into a place of panic. We go into this idea that something is wrong with ourselves and our relationship, and we start to doubt ourselves when we start to doubt our relationship and start to go into obsessive thinking and then attach on to meeting feelings. 

So the work within this question and the work within all of the compulsions that come forth is to actually start to work into the method of exposure. So that means whatever you're not wanting to feel or whatever you're trying to run away from, do you actually start to titrate and lean into bringing safety to yourself that those emotions and those feelings are so okay. So if you're looking to feel a certain way and you're continually going into the compulsion of attaching on to "I need to feel this way or else my relationship is over or else X, Y, Z or all the black and white distorted thinking". And that is your little mindful bell to tell you to actually lean into the feelings of discomfort. To lean into the exposure, that you are safe, love, your relationship is safe, that you are okay and your relationship is still worthy, and it is actually part of being in a relationship, even if you don't have the feelings, because I'm going to give a little bit of some relationship work here. Relationships, number one are not about feelings. And two, if you were constantly in a relationship just because of feelings ,  you would probably be breaking up with your partner every minute of the day or every week. We cannot use our feelings to guide us with ROCD. And a lot of times we can't use our feelings to actually guide us in life. Yes, in some parts we can. At the beginning of ROCD, we don't want to because our feelings are actually guiding us into different ways that will actually cause us more confusion. But if we continually used our feelings to make decisions, then we would most likely be all over the place. Which is why it is important to use our values when we are working with ROCD. 

So to wrap it all up together, one, if you're continually chasing after your feelings, it is a compulsion. Two, in order to start working with the specific compulsion, start to lean into knowing that it is important for you to actually not have those feelings right now, to lean into the discomfort of disconnection, to lean into the discomfort of not feeling anything. And the more and more you do that, the more you start to train the brain and the body that relationships don't need to continually have that feeling. It lessens the anxiety and lessens the fear, lessens the obsessive thinking. But we need to move into the exposure work, which is being okay with the discovery. Which is being okay with the disconnection. I do want to add something really important, which is a big part of our work with Awaken into Love and which is very different from other methods of OCD. Which is that when we're working with ROCD we are working in many cases with attachment styles and relational trauma. So we believe with Awaken into Love, it is important to titrate. That means for you to go gently into this work. You don't need to sit in the fire and expose yourself to all of the uncomfortable feelings. You can put your toes in and bring your toes out. You can feel the discomfort, but then move out. You don't need to dive into all the discomfort right away. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. 

Now, the third question I'm going to go into is "How do you deal with anxiety surrounding what other people think about your partner?". So there's a couple of things underneath the question. The one thing which is really, really common is a lot of people with ROCD are very, very afraid and very sensitive to what other people think of them. So I'm going to say this one more time. A lot of people with ROCD and a lot of people with anxiety have a deep down fear of what other people think of them. They might have hyper-responsibility and might be hyper-sensitive to other people's opinions or other people's looks or their manners, because, one, they may have grown up in an environment that felt chaotic. So they had to become hyper-sensitive and hyper-aware in order to feel safe and in control in their environment. So that's something important. I just want you to take away from this, that a lot of people with ROCD are very hyper-aware of what other people think of them. Now, what happens in relationships, especially in a relationship where there's Wholeness Give-away Syndrome or some Codependency, which is most people with ROCD most expected for people with ROCD to have some sort of codependency and wholeness give-away syndrome. And it's actually a beautiful thing because ROCD is helping you to actually become more whole within yourself. Now, going back to what I said before, a lot of people with ROCD do have codependency behaviors or tendencies, and so they mesh together, their partner and themself as one person. So think about it this way; if a person with ROCD has a lot of fear about what other people think of them, then they're going to start projecting their own fear onto their partner because they believe that themself and their partner are one, they're meshed together. So a lot of times when you are worried about what other people think of your partner, deep down, you're actually just worried about what other people think of you. And what you're doing is you're projecting those fears and those wounds onto your partner and trying to control your partner because it's so much easier in the mind to control and shame someone else and work on the inner work within themself. So if this is you, if you feel like you're constantly worried about what other people think of your partner and how to change your partner and how to mold them in a way where people start to like them because they think that your partner is a mirror of you or a reflection of you, then that is your little mindfulness bell to come back into yourself and to recognize that this is most likely a projection of how you feel about yourself, of your own insecurities and your own wounds about yourself and loving yourself. So that's really the core of this question. Whenever there's the question around what other people think about my partner and how do I change my partner and how do I start to move them in a way where they like them. It's usually a representation of just them when they think about you. That's one really, really important thing that I just want to add. The other aspect to this is just the psychology of humans, which is that whatever another person thinks of you and your partner is actually a mirror and representation of what they think of themselves. When we start to get into this work and we actually do this in the AIR program, we're starting to move into this actual topic in the AIR program and work with what other people might think of you. Then we start to take things less personally. Whatever another person thinks of your partner is actually just a projection and representation of themself. And if there's fear about what they may think about your partner, that's a great mindfulness bell and an awakening bell to come back into your own wholeness and your own self love and compassion and the deep love and the deep kindness that you so deserve for yourself. 

Now, the fourth question that I'm going to go into is, "How do you use exposure to ease the anxiety? Is this the one?". Now, I'm going to break this down in a couple of different ways. The first is the cognitive and relational understanding that there is no such thing as the one. The one is someone that we actually just decide to choose and we decide to grow with in order for them to help our lives, in order for us to just lean into deeper relational growth and fulfillment and intimacy with another person. So that's the first piece to this. There is no such thing as “The One”. The one, is just someone that you choose. And if we can get really caught up into this with the understanding that there's billions and billions of people out there, then there are hundreds and thousands of people that you can just choose to be with and they will all bring up a different type of insecurity and different type of anxiety that you have within. But the most important thing is that you're always going to be taking yourself and your own wounds and your own relational trauma to the next relationship anyway. So at the end of the day, we are really just choosing who the one is and deciding to do our own work and our own empowerment and our own awakening around it. Now, how can you use that exposure to ease the anxiety? I love this question because this person is really getting into the work of this. With this person, there is anxiety around the fear of is this the one? So we would approach exposure with this anxiety around leaning in to even saying to ourselves, maybe they are the one, maybe they are not the one. And the work of the exposure is actually starting to allow ourselves to feel the discomfort of not knowing. To be in the uncertainty, which is so, so, so scary for ROCD, because ROCD wants that certainty. It wants that 100% certainty that you're making the right decision and you're not making a mistake. Leaning in and moving into that exposure work is actually telling yourself maybe they are, maybe they're not, but I'm still going to choose anyway. And when we go into that choice, we're actually leaning into the discomfort of not really knowing, of leaning into the discomfort of uncertainty, but doing it anyway. Now, the anxiety that comes up is usually the fear and the wounding behind the question. So we're working with exposure in a way, where we actually start to feel the fear underneath. Again, titrating and working with the fears underneath it. If you want to do inner child work with this, you're also welcome to do that by tending the fear and bringing about a soothing and loving presence to the fear in order for the body to start recognizing that you are safe. Again, exposure work is actually not needing to know if they are the one hundred percent, moving away from them, because that can be that compulsion. I need to know, are they 100% right for me? You might be writing this list of the pros and cons, move away from that. Push that aside. Recognize that you have a choice. And moving into exposure is actually choosing without needing to know 100%  and start to titrate by leaning to the anxiety, leaning into the fear, feeling the fear and working with that fear. That is really the exposure work as well.

Now, the last question I'm going to go into has to do with thoughts and trying not to think and then at the end, someone asking if it's normal. So the question is, "I'm so scared of my thoughts. I try not to think, is this normal?" So the first thing I want to go into, which I did an Instagram post on this a couple of weeks ago, about what it really means when you're asking the question, is it normal? So check that out if you haven't already. When you're asking the question, is it normal, you're actually asking me if it is okay for you to be in this relationship or not. Without understanding, at the end of the day, you have that choice. That choice is in your hands and you get to decide that for yourself. There's no list out there written saying this isn't right. This isn't right. This isn't right. This isn't right. That equals you not needing to be in a relationship or decide not to. You get to choose. You've explained that you try to not think. And I'm going to ask you right now, how that's been working for you? How is it working for you to not try to think? Most likely, you've noticed that the thoughts come a lot more or they might be a lot more intrusive. So this is where that intuitive, instinctive part of us believing that we need to push away the thoughts for the thoughts to go away doesn't work. The power of thoughts lies in our ability to recognize that we can't choose our thoughts, but we can choose what we can do with the thoughts. We can choose to believe them or not. You have that power within you. You get to pick up that pen and write your own story of the life you choose to live. I can guarantee you that you didn't choose this thought that you just had right now. How about now? How about now? Most likely you didn't choose those thoughts. Why? Because we can't instead we can start to become observers, a witness to our thoughts. This is why meditation and mindfulness is so powerful and so important. We can start to witness our thoughts, recognize that we are not our thoughts, because the disempowerment starts to come in when we believe that we are our thoughts and we are the intrusive images and we are the feelings of guilt and we are the feelings of shame. And we are everything but the observer but the witness behind the thoughts and our feelings. That is where your power lies, my love. The power lies in not trying to push away the thoughts, the power lies, and not trying to resist or control the thoughts, the power lies and being the observer; one, knowing that you're not your thoughts, two, knowing that you're not your feelings, but recognizing that you have the ability to believe them or not. And when we choose and when we decide to believe them or not, then we get to create our own story and the life that we choose to live. So again, if you're trying to not think or resist, it's not going to work. I'm going to tell you that right off the bat. And there's nothing to actually be afraid of because you're not your thoughts. At the end of the day, they don't define you. You are so separate from them. Just like clouds in the sky that come fly by. Your thoughts are going to come, but they're going to go. They are not you. You are beyond them, you are the observer to them. So bring in that recognition as you're working with this specific question; one, recognizing that it's not worth trying to push away your thoughts because they're going to come in. But it's about accepting. It's about coming into a state of observance. Then the thoughts actually start to move and go away. It's about working with them. It's about compassionately seeing them. It's about starting to become curious of them and not going into obsessive thinking. We're becoming compassionate and curious. 

So that is it for today's video. I hope this was helpful for you. I hope it was helpful for you and understanding where the thoughts really come from and trying to dissect them and starting to really recognize the core fears and the core emotions actually behind these questions. Again, if you're really interested in getting your questions answered, we answer all questions in the Facebook course community, the ROCD course, level I. Every Thursday, Alexis the ROCD specialists and therapists and coach jumps on there every other Thursday. And I jump on there every other Thursday as well. So if you have any questions, you're so welcome to ask them in the ROCD course and community. As always, we have a lot of really, really exciting things coming your way. We're so, so, so excited to be sharing them all with you within the next couple of weeks and next couple months. And as always, hang in there, give yourself a lot of radical compassion, a lot of love. You so deserve it. You're so worthy, you're so enough and you're so loved, this being human.